I find myself asking quietly, in the secret spaces between thoughts, if Love truly IS the strongest force we humans know. I'm pretty sure I made some bold statements about this last fall during or shortly after carrying a Fear Chair around with me for 50 days. Coming off a challenge like that, I was feeling pretty badass. Confident I'd learned some powerful lessons about our powerful energy. But lately I am humbled by the circumstances of my life; and I find myself questioning everything I formerly believed and experienced in life. My lessons about Fear and Love last fall were foundational. Now I feel my foundations quaking in the turbulence of life around and within me.
This is how it happens though, isn't it? We falter, we drag ourselves through the bitter, stormy lessons. We learn. We gain strength. We grow. We Live life. Unforseen circumstances come at us and we feel confident and joyful in what we'd learned holding through the turbulence. But if the situation grows chronic or in any way accute, that foundation begins to feel weakened and threatened. Sometimes it can crumble. A bit or a lot or totally. That's the Fear each time. The Fear is that the foundation won't hold. It will erode.
So I am sitting in Fear tonight. Feeling my foundation cracking a bit. Tired. Wondering if Love IS truly the strongest energy we humans have going for us. I Love someone fiercely and deeply -- to my particles and to the energy between the particles that make me me. And tonight I feel as if that love will not make a shred of difference in the suffering of that individual and only seems to increase my own suffering. Yet I Love.
This is the muddy junction of Love and Fear. This is where they touch. Where the two forces mingle. THAT'S where I am.
THIS is where I need to be making my art from NOW. This yucky, slurry place where the solid meets the liquid and where nothing feels certain.