I have a way of writing blogs that I then somehow lose. It sucks. I just wrote a lengthy tome about life and death only to need to look up a word and I forgot to open a new window before clicking on the favorite dictionary website. So I lost all that work. Again. What is it with me? I am undermining myself this week!
Actually, that's very true. Perhaps I need to look at that. (I'll write about life and death another time -- neither subject is going anywhere). So, in the week that I speak to a social media specialist AND I submit my artwork for jury, and the week AFTER having my major works professionally photographed, I am undermining myself. Erasing my deepest thoughts. Negating ideas that inspire and are about inspiring topics. Hm... (and, trust me, there are other areas in my life that I am now seeing as self sabotaging this week)...Shit.
Basically, I am facing a deeply difficult decision right now and, well, not facing it. Hoping the situation will work itself out so that I don't have to make the decision. It's of course a Fear and Love thing. I am afraid to make a decision because I am afraid it means I don't know how to Love. In reality, actually, I don't really know how to Love in the CURRENT situation -- pre-decision. Love sometimes is too complex to really KNOW how to do it. Sometimes situations are far more advanced than our Love learning has taught us and it isn't until after the situations have been worked through that we can really see where the Loving worked and where it was handicapped.
I'm feeling very handicapped right now. Like Fear has me limping along and stuttering, while my inexperience with this new challenge to Love blindfolds me and covers my ears. No wonder I'm tripping up all week. What was I thinking, trying to tackle such a subject as life and death! I'm in the midst of a life and death struggle right now, I need to be here, not telling stories about the past (which is what the lost post was). Shit.
I suddenly remember Helen Keller. She was blind, deaf and mute as a child. Ann Sullivan led her and taught her through it. I'd love for a teacher and guide right now. I feel the isolation of and utter loneliness of this time in my life. Alone with my Fear and my Love bearing down upon me demanding decisivenes and I cannot see or hear or know this place nor where I am going.
I need to get up to my studio. Today I hid from working again. I told myself I have too much other work to do and I am tired. Shit.
This living in the moment is SO hard. It means I have to see the games I sometimes play. It means I have to look at how I self-sabotage to avoid moving forward, because I am afraid. If I keep self-sabotaging, I stay weak and how can I face anything if I am weak?
So, it's a good thing I lost the other post. I needed a firm talking-to about how this tumultuous time in my life that I've alluded to in the last several posts may be hard but I am letting it erode my foundation. My foundation is my art. It is terra firma even as it is the air I breathe. THIS is life and death. I simply MUST make art!