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post chair carrying day 49


Funny, nearly 100 days of exploring Fear and I realize tonight I am running out of things to say. Fear is present in my life. The "water table" I wrote about still exists; but more and more I find that Fear comes up in life everyday but it is an ebb and flow rather than a whirlpool or tsunami sensation. Perhaps it is that after nearly 100 days of practice, Love accompanies Fear quite naturally and calms it, calms me, assuring me all will be well, all IS well. 


A brief story: I play solitaire on my computer. I am not by any stretch of the imagination a "gamer," I am, recall an earlier post, a "techno-dinosaur." The other day I noticed an internal conflict arise when I hit ctrl z to undo plays. I thought, if this were real solitaire, with real cards, there's no way I could undo that many plays. And I suddenly wondered if I was "cheating" to be able to undo 5 or 10 plays. It was tiny but it was Fear, Fear that I was a cheater. I've had this irksome little thought before but never had the nerve to explore it. So I explored it the other day. It only took a moment to look at it and realize, no I am not a cheater. If I'd be playing with cards, I'd abide by the rules and the limits of the game at hand. On the computer I am simply abiding by the rules and the limits of the game at hand. And so (it smacked me upside the head) it goes with life. In ALL situations, in ALL living, ALL we can do is play by the rules and limits of the game at hand. Other people seem to get this much better than I. I am 52 for godsake. So, I realized the rules and limits of THIS game, Life, include that I get to choose the focus of my energy. I am not cheating or skipping steps or missing any point by choosing Love and Joy and Peace and Abundance over Fear and all it's incarnations (anger, self-pity, apathy, to name a few I've chosen in the past). So, now I see clearer, my choices are clearer. Every day.


I know life will be riddled with surprises of which I will be afraid (I just learned last night that the husband of a friend died suddenly, things like that); but in this moment, I know this practice works for me.Actually, right now I can think of a few of situations and people for whom I am afraid; but the predominant feeling, the predominant energy I feel isn't the Fear. I recognize predominantly, I feel Love. I feel Love for me and for others and for Life. Love, compassion, empathy, hope,... These are much better alternatives to swim in than Fear. Ultimately, if I were in turmoil, I'd much rather find my support persons saturated with Love than with Fear, for their sake as well as mine.


So once again, I am grateful beyond expression for the FCP. This experience has altered me internally as if I've been re-wired. I explained to friend today whom I saw for the first time in 26 years that all my life I internally referred to myself as "Little Much-Afraid." What I have learned about Fear and Love and living in the present is precious powerful. (Perhaps I should have stopped at "beyond expression," lol, but I kind of like "precious powerful," it's pretty accurate -- if clunky.) No longer much-afraid, I am simply and powerfully Anya, walker in this world, swimmer in these seas. 


I do wonder, as it became time to let go of the chair, (and time to accidentally lose the totem) I am feeling it may soon be time to let go of this blog strand. What will it become? I don't know. About my art? About Art in general? About Art and Fear? Hmm,.... in time, I will know. No Fear.