post chair carrying day 46
Two things happened today.
First, I noted as I wrote my morning pages that I am far more judgemental than I have believed I am. This was a blow to my ego just hard enough to wack some sense into me. It is time, I am ready to let go of the judgemental stuff. It was Fear-based and was harming no one so much as myself because I was one of those judgers who really tried very hard to not let on that I was judging. The words out of my mouth were compassionate, and I really felt that; but deep in a secret place inside, where no one saw, I sometimes nurtured judgements. And though I kept those judgements silent usually, knowing what I do about phsychology, I'd say they showed themselves in other ways. And, certainly they were not healthy sitting burried inside me either. Judgement of others and myself feels like the last great negative burden inside me. Realizing it for the cancer that it was and exposing it to the light of day, the light of consciousness, mindfulness, feels like opening a window and letting the breeze blow in and cleanse a stale room of it's contents. It may not be unusual, it may be human, but today I found myself burdened by the practice of judging and I realized I have been burdened by judgements for many years. But today I began to teach myself better, more purposefully, how to allow. My mantra for the day was "Breathe and Be and Allow." And when I encountered hints of judgements, the mantra reminded me of the change I wish to create in myself and in my world. I am very grateful for the humbling awakening to my judgemental habits. I am very grateful for the work of correcting my posture in the world and clearing my inner rooms.
Second, I have lost the totem that was "the Love Fear Chair." It has been on my key chain. Today I ran errands, had lunch out and went to a meeting. When I got home and checked the mail with my keys, I noticed the Chair totem was missing. I checked the car and retraced my steps but did not find it. I called my sister to tell her the news because, while there was a peacefulness in my response, I wanted to talk about it rather than only think about it to insure I wouldn't go to negative places in my head. I was sad to lose it. It was adorable and I felt connected to it. Yet, I admitted to my sister, there always was a temorary quality to the totem even as I labored to strengthen it with three coats of epoxy. She helped me see too that perhaps I needed to lose it, to let go of it; and perhaps someone else needs to find it. Perhaps it will be a good totem for someone else. After all, none of us knows what our creations might bring the world. It was created in gratitude and love with feet (legs) firmly planted in human experience. May it bring joy and love and wisdom to those who encounter it.
I just realized the totem was lost on the same day I seemed to have opened the window on the "last great negative burden inside me." Hmmm, coincidence? I think not. Makes me smile.