Post-chair carrying day 41
Beginning to feel as if my head, mind, and soul have caught up with my body after the transcontinental flight. Jet lag is so disorienting. The 3 a.m. wake-up this morning didn't help but I am hoping to stay up a bit later tonight and remedy my sleep pattern.
As I begin coming back to myself, I am wanting to note some things here;
First, I am vastly changed due to the FCP and continue to discover ways in which this manifests in my life. Being with my daughter at her college, helping to expedite processes and plug into resources, I discovered not only how much faster things get done when the one writing the checks is simply present, I also really enjoyed being "big." That is, I enjoyed the empowered feeling and the visibility. I found myself very pleasantly assertive when the situation called for a bit more push and things got done while genuine smiles were exchanged. I went into the situations fully aware of my Fears but chose to focus on my love for my daughter and on thinking of the school personnel as team-mates in the tasks at hand. And things got done.
Second, I am "checking in" with myself in present moments far more frequently than ever before. This means I am learning to better live "in the moment, in the NOW." This is empowering, humbling, joyful, beautiful to think about. It means present moments, even scary ones are being experienced far more fully than I usually allow myself. One ultimate test was the flights across country. I have in the past despised flying for the Fears it created in me. For years I've practiced visualizations to get me through flights. This helped. This trip I practiced pre-gratitude for the co-passengers that would be provided who would somehow help me feel more distracted at least, more safe at best during the flights. Then I just breathed and trusted. As my Fear subsided my trust in the Universe/God/Source grew so that when my seat partners and I began talking, I was struck with immense gratitude (and smiled broadly in my heart) at the wisdom of the Universe's choice.
Third, healing is happening in a relationship I'd nearly lost all hope of redeeming. Not just healing but deepening. I find that the FCP has created in me a strength that plants me firmly here, on this planet, in this moment, in my skin; and when I am in that place in me, I can better meet those around me with openness, love and compassion. It reminds me of "Namaste'" which has been said to mean "I honor the place in me of light, of life, of love. I honor that place in you of light of life of love. I honor that when you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, we are one." Wow, I've always loved that word. Now, I believe, through Fear and the FCP, I am beginning to LIVE it. Beginning is good.
Fourth, the Community Warehouse, a not-for-profit in Portland contacted me today and they are excited to receive the Fear Chair as one of the pieces to be auctioned off next spring at their annual fundraiser, "The Chair Affair"! I am so excited it will move out into the world and do more good for someone! It has changed my life! It has changed me! And continues to do so. Tonight I epoxied (a sturdier clear-coat) the smaller version of the Fear Chair that I will begin carrying tomorrow as a totem I am calling "The Love Fear Chair." It differs from the original only in size and that "Love" is painted topside with "Fear" painted on the underside symbolizing my choice of focus in the moment, moving forward.
I have MUCH work to do, MUCH living to do, MUCH learning to do and I am in this moment overjoyed at the prospect; and moving forward in gratitude.