post-chair carrying day 36
Sometimes I cannot believe I carried that chair around for 50+ days. This is only day 36 after putting it down and it seems like forever ago.
Back to the "love is a helluva lot of work," "life is a helluva lot of work," thoughts... Yes, it is all a helluva lot of work. And, yes, it is all worth it. I look back on my life. I've done a wide variety of things I never in my life thought I would do. I've HAD to do a wide variety of things I never thought I'd have to do. I'd wager we all can look back on our lives and make similar assessments. There are things I would rather not have done or experienced. But they happened. And they made me who I am today. And today will build upon the past to create my tomorrow. It is all worth it.
So, how to look at how I affected others in this light? I have also done things that have hurt people. I haven't intended to hurt people, well, most of the time. I am sure there were times when I sunk into my Fear so deeply that I probably felt some malice. Hate to admit it, but it likely is true. So, is THAT worth it?
Well, I suppose those people I've hurt, whether intentionally or unintentionally will have to answer that question for themselves. Whether encountering me in whatever circumstances was worth the pain they may have felt is theirs to decide. So, how about my perspective? Hurting people is never a "worthy" option, under any circumstances, let me be very clear about that. Except, I suppose in self-defense. But otherwise, it is something I AM very sorry I did and I have had to work hard to forgive myself for the lapses into Fear that left me feeling justified or desperate enough to inflict pain. And I am hopeful of forgivenes from others as well.
Beyond this, I cannot think about it. I used to be the queen of beating myself up over the past. It's taken years to learn to be kinder to myself, to forgive myself. And, actually the Fear Chair Project seemed to be the final step in my recovery from self-abuse over the past. As a result of learning how to better carry Fear, and Love, I realize that, sure those times I hurt others are very unfortunate, and they are in the past. They are not anything I can or need to carry anymore. Just like all of the past. The best thing I can learn from the past is how to let it go. The most important lesson is to live NOW. That is the lesson that makes even unfortunate events worthy, that they can be let go and I can move on from them. For, holding onto the past is what dooms me to continue to live in the Fear that created the unfortunate events.
It is said that a history forgotten is destined to be repeated. This is also true. So, I am by NO means saying I forget my past. I know from where I have come. It is in the remembering that I can feel the deepest gratitude that I am now where I am and NOT in the past. I just must not hang the past around my neck. My past is not my now. It is the work of getting here from there that is worth it. It is the learning, the growth, the pain of seeing that I can sometimes be a monster and can learn to be better that is worth it. It is the pain of looking clearly at every inch of what needs forgiving and even at every speck of horribleness I may have inflicted and admitting responsiblity then diligently learning to forgive and move forward that is worth it. It is even the pain of realizing that the people I may have hurt may not forgive me, OR may not even think I am important enough to feel hurt by that humbles me, humanizes me. This pain fully faced and felt, makes me grateful to feel humble and fully humanand THAT is worth it.
I cannot be fully ALIVE, fully LIVING my life if I am only facing beautiful and pretty things, memories, images of myself. It is in the acknowledgement and acceptance of my own ugliness and painful past that I can choose to set that down. Loving myself is a helluva lot of work. And it's worth it.