post-carrying day 33
It's been difficult to write lately because I am so much immersed in complexities involving loved ones, yet I must protect their privacy. Suffice it to say though that every day is riddled with opportunities and encounters with Fear and Love both.
Tonight I feel overwelmed. Each day I have worked diligently to listen to my own needs and taken care of myself as well as support those I love. Today I got a pedicure. Something I do perhaps once every 3 to 5 years. But I am in a strange city and am busy and distracted from the body maintenance; and my feet hurt. So a good soak, massage and nail clipping was nice. But I think the intensity of what I am doing to help and support my loved ones is requiring me to make choices to take very good care of myself which is new for me. So the self-care IS necessary; but it too is in a way taxing on me in that it is new behavior for me.
Remember my struggles with being BIG, or being VISIBLE? Well, at this time in life I am finding that I simply MUST be very visible, very big -- to myself. If I don't pay very good attention to my needs, the people depending upon me will not have me. I will not have me, for I would be sick or tired to the point of depletion. It is a VERY tumultuous time in my life and in lives around me. It is a time of climbing great mountains in the midst of tumult. Every step is important. Every need is heightened.
I am honored to be with these wonderful people on important treks in their lives. I am honored to be climbing beside them. I am grateful I have climbed mountains before (metaphoric and actual) to support me and remind me what is important on such journeys.
Today I learned to step into the BIGness. Even perhaps to play with it a bit. I learned that if I breathe and just move forward, taking care of myself while caring for others is more a dance up the mountain than a slog. This is important. I had fun today taking care of myself. I had fun being visible. And it took not a bit from those I loved while I did so. Ultimately, my joy, my replenished self made me a better listener, a more human companion, a more joyful giver. My Fear of being big does create anxiety in me. This is true. So, perhaps, in the end, caring for myself earlier in the day makes me better able to handle the fall-out, the resulting anxiety. Yes, Loving myself makes me better able to Love myself.... :)