Post-carrying day 31
"Little Fear Chair/Little Love Chair" (see photo below). I decided to paint "Love" topside on the little totem chair. "Fear" is painted on the underside this time. My reasoning is that I have been exploring Fear quite a lot. The powerful nature of Fear, how and where Fear lurks, how it infiltrates our/my lives/life in so many ways. I thought it might be good to begin to turn my attention to Love. Not that Love has been out of the picture. It's been there all along as I investigate Fear. Otherwise, I wouldn't have gotten as far with Fear as I have. Believe me, this is deeply true.
I found myself relaying to a loved one again today how the FCP helped me learn to dissociate in my relationships. She was concerned that I am taking on too much right now (had my blog from three days ago been saved, you would know more about this, sigh) with loved ones who are struggling and/or at crossroads in their lives and are turning to me. It has been intense. I have three loved ones in these positons right now. And tonight I am tired. But very soon I will do what I do when tired, I will go to sleep.
The FCP created such a space between myself and others' reactions to my Fear/s (and my chair) that this space has remained a part of how I love people now. Because I no longer Fear their lives, their reactions, their actions, their needs becoming my own problem, my own -- period; I can listen to them, I can love them, I can BE WITH them in times of tumult and not take it all on. Even when the processing gets exhaustingly intense. And when I reach a limit, it is time to take care of my needs too. I eat. I rest. I write. I art.
In the lost blog entry, I likened their situations to being at the foot of their own mountains. I could not be their guide for they each need to find their own path. I could not DO the climb for them either, they have much to learn and it isn't my job. I could not even be their pack mule, for they need to find their own tools and supplies for their journeys. But, the FCP and the work I've been doing with Fear since has allowed me not only to see all of this clearly, but I can also see that what i CAN do is BE present with them. For I have a mountain to climb as well and perhaps being with them at this poignant time for all of them at once is part of my mountain. So I had better know what to pack in my own bag. I had better be certain to take rest when I need it. To eat when I need nurishment. To listen and to BE with them but also most importantly, to listen and BE with my self or I won't be around to BE with them!
This is all very humbling. I feel extremely human. Extremely limited to this aging body and brain. And I am extremely grateful for the energy my mind and soul bring to the task, yet every day, and most moments, I am listening for the presence and support that God/Universe/Source of Life offers. My Loved ones face immense mountains. My own mountain is enourmous. I could be overwelmed if I forget to move one step at a time. If I forget my focus in dealing with Fear. It must be on one step at a time. Each moment. And it must be a step taken in Love. Love for myself, Love for those beside me, Love for the journey and even for the effort itself.
I am not a Christian but I hear/read/remember things Jesus is reported to have said and many quotes I do Love. "It will not be easy; but it WILL be worth it." Sounds good to me. One day at a time.
Thanks mom for the reminder!