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post-chair carrying Day 20


How could I have carried the chair for 50+ days? Day 20 without the chair seems like a long time to be blogging!


The sedative is out of my system. I feel great except for a bit of a sore throat which I trust will be gone soon. Turns out I must wait for the lab results to find out what our possible "new plan" will be. I am choosing to continue to "not worry" however. I think the worst at this point, since the growth was only 8 months old will be that we'll have to do more frequent checks. These sorts of pre-cancers are slow growing and so take quite a while to become cancerous. So, I am feeling confident, we'll just have to nip them more frequently if that is the case. All is well. I will just remember to tell them to give me a dose of Phenergan or some such anti-nausea med. before I leave the hospital as well.


On the Fear Front I actually had a greater challenge today in-that something I am working on with a dear friend suddenly went way differently than anticipated. My friend, out of Fear, needed to choose a new avenue, a new approach without telling me and so when I found out, this triggered MY Fear of things going all haywire. We worked it out in the end. Came to the realization that this was merely a setback and that the ultimate goal was still the ultimate goal we'd both originally agreed upon.And that perhaps we will simply arrive at that goal by different routes than originally anticipated. All is well.


This brings up Triggers however. Fear Triggers. I don't know that I've used that term before in this blog. I don't think so. I should have. They really are what #1incites Fear and #2 draws our attention to what makes us afraid so we can understand and choose our course of action. So they are both the problem AND the solution. The trick is to learn what ones Triggers are. 


I think for me, the first step had to be to learn what my basest Fears are. To admit to myself what my Fear looks like and what I look like when in Fear. I'm not saying this is the route for everyone; but for me I think it works best. I've tried for years to just look for the Triggers and learn how to deal with those. But really, for me, that was futile for the number of Fears I wasn't even aware I had! If I don't know I am in Fear, how can I possibly identify a Trigger?


Tonight my Fears were embarassingly easy to identify. I was afraidmy friend's choice to "go a different route" would be a setback that would derail the entire project. I was afraid of the unknown when the other person changed plans. So I was in the end able to tell my Friend that sudden changes without discussion is a Trigger for me. Not that it is my friend's responsibility to not make sudden changes, but at least now we both know this will bring up Fear for me. And perhaps, in both of us knowing and discussing it, it won't be as much of a Trigger. And too, my friend was able to identify what created the Fear that ignited the sudden change in plans. And so we both are aware of what will risk Fear responses in the other and in ourselves. 


This to me feels courageous. This to me feels greater than just learning about my own Fear and Fear responses. Being such social creatures, identifying and understanding Fear dynamics in a relationship seems incredibly wise but also riddled with trust issues and Fears in itself. Yet, tonight, it feels as if there is not really a choice. In close relationships, this seems the best route to take. 


I am reminded of weeks ago when another friend, Carol had some issues with me she needed to be honest about and discuss with me. Carol is 20 years my senior. She is a remarkably strong and intelligent and deeply caring person. I am very fortunate to be her friend. I know this. So, when she needed to be brutally honest about something I was doing and her response to it, the interaction felt well lit by wisdom but was also a labrynth  of trust issues and letting go of Fears that lirked in the shadows of my awareness until then.


It is when we are called upon to take notice of Fear that we have the greatest opportunities for courage. Not only on the grand scale as when fighting battles but too in the day to day wrestling with the trip-wires that inevitably will catch us because we live with other human beings who have minds and needs and Fears of their own.