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Post-carrying Day 17


Today felt physically better. Began eating normally. Then got sick again. What's this all about?


Decided I'm getting a tiny chair to paint an put on my keychain. Hear that universe? Tomorrow (I WILL feel better) I begin looking for the perfect little Chair.


The Little Fear Chair (LFC) came up in a conversation with my sister today. I was unloading about some Fear I need to examin and, well, unload and asked "god, do I need to start carrying my Chair around again? I am really stuck here!" She said, "well, maybe something smaller." BAM! A little reminder of the Fear Chair idea was born. 


Her point was a good one. She said the original Chair needed to be big because I needed to bump into others' reactions. This is true. But now I've reached a point where my Fear is all about me, and I SEE that. This too is true. I have written a bit about the detatchment the FCP has helped me develop. The differentiation, I think is the technical term. That is, I see myself separate from others as I have never seen before, even people I love. This has been an awakening that I've tried through talk therapy, writing, art, meditation, etc... for years to get to. I am very grateful.


But I think with the ending of the 30 in 30 challenge I've fallen for various reasons back into comparing myself to others. This is NOT detatchment, not differentiation, not actualization at all. And it is doing me harm. SO, a return to the Fear Chair is a good idea. But my sister is correct, carrying a big chair around would be going backward too. Responding to people's reactions to my differences and to my burden of Fear is not what I need. I need to recognize my difference and the Fears that remain mine myself and to honor and celebrate all this about me, myself.It will also be the totem for me of what I was and am capable of as a vulnerable AND strong, Fearful AND courageous person. THAT is what the LFC will be for me. 


I will keep you posted on what the Universe brings me and what I do with it....


Also returning to a bit of Jungian reading... I studied years ago but left analytical for cognitive therapy. There is much good in Jung however and with the Chair being such a significant metaphor, I think a return to some archetype work would be good for me. It might provide some good stories for you to read here as well...Off to the library tomorrowl...