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Post-carrying day 14


Had a breakthrough today after feeling like a breakdown was coming. I think sometimes the two go hand in hand. With the FCP and the 30:30 challenge and some other personal work I've been doing, it's been a very tumultuous and growthful time. Again, utter gratitude here. But last night I had some disturbing dreams that raised for me the question of whether I can handle this accelerated growth. By morning I was feeling like the sneaker wave was drawing everything up from unfathomed depths and was about to wash me out to sea.


After telling my very good therapist about the dreams, and how ultimately in the most unsettling one, I was able to say a protective prayer but eventually realized the task in the dream was not my job and was not safe for me, I woke myself up, we talked about vulnerability and boundaries. I realize that making myself vulnerable is a gift I have that draws people to me (sometimes) and it is something that I love about myself. It allows me too to get past differences that can divide so connections can happen. Connections are deeply important and passionately fun for me. Whether between opposing sides between people or issues, or 2 images that just don't seem to belong in the same painting. 


But this is only the first part of the breakthrough. The vital piece is the boundaries. I very naturally am comfortable with my vulnerability. This is a gift. Whether it's not natural or I wasn't taught, boundaries are the problem. Vulnerability is the strength. Lack of boundaries through my life has been the issue that got me hurt. Vulnerability is part of what makes me loveable. Not being clear about boundaries or not feeling worthy of having boundaries made me a victim. I realize I am not to blame for what others do with my vulnerability, but I all too often (and this was learned) went in boundariless to situations and with people that harmed me.


The third part of the breakthrough is that carrying the Fear Chair around, I right away had to set boundaries and I unquestionably felt I deserved as well as needed this. I set the rules, it was my project, and because no one else I knew had ever done this, I deserved to create the entire experience without question. THEN every day for 50 1/2 days, completely unconscious I was doing it, I practiced setting and maintaining clear boundaries around my vulnerability. The FCP was an exercise in vulnerability. I wrote about it at times in this blog. But what I didn't know is that it was also an exercise in setting and maintaining clear boundaries to keep me safe. And, because that has been a challenge to me, the FCP has also been an exercise in worthiness...


Wow... From Fear to Worthiness.... From Vulnerability to Boundaries... From just Doing my life like I always did to Loving so many newly seen parts of who I am... Again, gratitude for the FCP...