post-carrying Day 13
I struggled a bit with leaving last night's post up. It was a bit long and had a bit of a rant slant. I still struggle with having a voice. With visability. Why would I take it down? Let me list the whys....
- someone might be offended
- someone might disaggree with me
- if someone disagreed it might mean what I wrote was/is "wrong"
Here's a secret, someone in my life whom one would expect would love me unconditionally given who they are in my life has told me more than once that (they) didn't want to talk about certain subjects with me or hear my opinions about them because not talking about them would allow this person to continue to love me. Since my earliest memories, circumstances in my childhood convinced me that to be myself would dissappoint important people in my life and I'd be sent away.
That's as detailed as I can get but I think it shows enough of the situation to explain why posting such strong opinions about something as public as media was a huge risk for me. Yet I did it. And, I did not remove it. I allowed myself to be seen.
Visible is risky. Yet, I am learning two things from the FCP: # I have as much right to be seen as anybody and #2 In a way I have no choice but to BE visible. It was a lie I told myself as a child that I could hide who I am as much as it was a lie I told myself that I SHOULD hide who I am.
I look at all the ways I "tried" to hide; and I look at all the ways available to "cover up" who one is in our culture. I don't think I am alone. I am realizing visibility really is huge not just for me. I think I had to see how huge it was/is for me before I could see it is a Fear that is very prevalent in our culture. I don't mean just the make-up or dieting industries. Visibility is vulnerability. Personas, positioning, competition, busy-ness, separatism, possession accumulation,... So many, so many forms this Fear can take without our even realizing.
Many years ago I was dating someone who took me to a dinner with fellow professionals in an MBA program. Before I walked in to the room, I could feel the buzz of the expectations that all attending would measure according to the standards befitting such a program. We sat at a table with several lovely people, a partner in every couple was in the course. So the program was talked about peripherally for a while, then we got to introductions. The man next to me turned and introduced himself and I myself, then he asked, "and what do you do?" How many time do we get asked that question in our lives and know that what they mean is, "what do you do that someone deems worthy enough to pay you?" In other words, "what do you do 8 hours a day, I'm not interested in the other 16."
I answered chuckling, "Well, I do a lot of things," and started listing my artwork, my daughter, my apprenticeship, storytelling, library work, "what specifically would you like to hear about?" The answer fell flat. My date was furious and quickly stepped in to "save" the situation.
Not only do we not really want to be seen, but I wonder if we also have a Fear of seeing others. If their vulnerability touches too closely to our own. We seem to have an unwritten aggreement, "you keep your wall up and I'll keep mine. You over there, me over here."
I think the FCP has helped me see my walls for the divisive and, really, useless lies that they are. Though to be honest, as I alluded to at the beginning of the blog, I still feel the Fear at taking them down, or even peeking over them. It's still risky. But then, so is keeping them up.