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Post-carrying Day 11


Looking for a new home for the Chair. I've let the question sit in my subconscious over the last 10 days, what to do with the Chair. I know I said I'd donate it but (that big butt again) just haven't made movement in the direction until today. I did contact the Community Warehouse in PDX. Hopefully they will want it for their fundraiser.


This brings me to my assignment from Carol. I am to look up and educate myself about galleries and submit enquiries to jury my artwork. Sigh. I did a little bit of this last night but not anything committal yet. As I write this, I am going to cut myself a little slack. I still have two more paintings to do for the 30 in 30 Challenge. I need to wait until that is past. I just do. Not out of Fear really, but out of shear sense of still swimming in the waters of CHANGE. I did some work on an old painting today and was blown away by how my confidence and skill have developed/are developing.


I think I am hard on myself by expecting when an idea comes, I MUST act upon it immediately or it means I am afraid of it. Well, perhaps there IS a bit of Fear, but sometimes, as I've said multiple times, Fear is self-preserving. Sometimes I need to hesitate before jumping into another pool. Sometimes I don't yet know entirely how the present pool will affect me until I am out of it. THEN would be a better time to judge whether I can handle another swim. So, hesitation is ok. Besides, my subconscious was a good place to have stored the decision about the chair until it's time. I am learning to trust that as a good choice rather than a hiding from action. Sometimes plans need to sit in my subconscious for a bit for me to see whether they are good ideas. I think this is a good realization.


Perhaps I used to Fear my subconscious. Perhaps I used to Fear letting go and trusting it. So much so that when ideas came to me I all too often jumped at them rather than waiting and listening. Yes, that does sound like me. 


In this culture we are so action oriented; it seems that to sit on an idea, especially a good one, is considered foolish. But does EVERYTHING have to be trial and error? I don't think so. In a book I am reading right now, action is described as the last step in a plan. Intention and belief must come first. Trial and error are not bad, this still needs to happen; but I think I've made a lot of choices far too abruptly because I didn't trust my subconscious/my soul/my self to just be with ideas for a while. 


I used to play a game called "Score Four" as a kid. (like three-dimensional checkers with pegs and beads) It was the only strategy game I seemed able to consistently win. I always loved playing it because of this but mostly I loved it because I knew why I won. I won because I would sit forward, then shift side to side, then look up and down and latterally to study the game in it's present state before I strategized my next moves. I remember wishing someone would take note and ask me about my proficency but no one ever did. I just wanted to talk to someone and find out if it was really a good way to play this game and what it meant that I'd figured this out for myself. Alas, no one was that interested in why I was good at Score Four. But, looking back, I can see a young girl just beginning to catch on to the belief in her own intuition, her own subconscious wisdom. This I suppose was the beginnings of self Love, which is the antidote to Fear. That young girl carried a lot of Fear/s, I am gratteful to note that she also knew a bit about Love.


LOL, I just realized I jumped on the FCP pretty quickly and acted to start immediately. Yet, actually, Carol had told me about the woman who carried the "Anger Chair" several months ago and it didn't cause any sort of action to go buy and paint and carry a Fear Chair. It WAS sitting in my subconscious and all it took was Carol bringing it up again at the "right" time for me to realize I need to pay attention to what emotion burdens me the most. And once we began exploring this, in my present place in life, in that moment, in that NOW, it was time for action.