Post-carrying day 8
Today was the day I was to perform a terribly "fear trigger-ridden" task. It involved a relationship and those sorts of tasks are always doubly risky because another person's Fear triggers get involved as well. I took care of myself today though. Since I was up late painting, I only got 6 hours of sleep but was able later in the day, before I was to deal with the relationship issue, to sneak in a short nap. Also talked with support people a bit. But mostly, I was very careful with myself today.
I've often said, "I am hard on things in my life, including the people in my life." I generally laugh at that point but mostly laugh because it is so true. And the person I tend to be roughest on of course is me. I wear jeans down to holy rags THEN wear them only to work on demolishions or to paint until they are nearly falling off me or stiff with paint. You can always tell when I've read a book, it looks a bit ravaged, as if all I didn't do to enjoy it was take a bite out of it. Most days some item of clothing I have on will have stains or paint or tears hidden or staring everyone right in the face. I just live rather roughly. I have learned to love this about me. And, as some of my blog posts relay, I have struggled with internal rough handling as well as I learned to bash my inner-self around quite effectively. But, carrying the Fear Chair, with the word "love" painted on the underside of the seat, I have learned to love the person I treat the roughest. I am learning to give her a rest more often. Learning that sitting out on life is sometimes choosing to be kind to myself. Learning to offer myself more grace, more compassion.
Carrying around Fear in the form of a chair was also physically hard work and logistically challenging. Sometimes it felt reminiscent of being a new mother carrying around my baby and the multiple bags and doodads that come with babies, while trying to open doors, carry groceries, coffee, a stack of books, cans of paint, etc... So, there was a memory in me of carrying a great burden that was also a great treasure to be loved and adored. I DID grow to love and adore the Fear Chair, not in itself, but in it's connection to my humility and vulnerability and earnestness AND my Fear. This was 50+ days of learning a new habit, to be gentle with even a difficult part of myself. A part of myself, I'd say at times in life I would have been fine cutting off forever if only I could be free of Fear/s. If I can be gentle with my Fear, I can be gentle with my being.
The "terribly fear trigger-ridden task" went well I am deeply greatful to say. I had no expectations but to deliver my part and do my best to carry Love. Many components went into it going well that other's are responsible for and for whom I am grateful. Change is indeed laden with both danger AND endless possibilities. I am grateful too for those who remind me to listen openly and to breathe. Love really IS the greatest gift.
One day at a time. Life continues.