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Post-carrying Day 3


So, Fear of just letting go and painting wildly has come up  twice today. I feel SOOOOooooooo (breath) ooooooooo... boxed in by my old definitions of myself and/or my old definitions of what makes a good painter. I - just - struggle with edgy. It's not that I can't do it. I think my first two paintings from the 30:30 challenge were/are pretty edgy and I love them. Everything I've done since has been pretty safe or just to get the thing done. Well, I have purposefully tried new techniques or polished some observation skills, etc. The big BUT however is: BUT, they are not free, I was not free painting them. I was standing or sitting in my prescribed little space painting prescribed little paintings. Oh, the "Old Wounds" that was edgy and I love it. I painted that in 15 minutes after painting on someone's house for 9.5 hours with only 4.5 hours of sleep the night before. I didn't have the energy to expect anything or even try to do anything. I just did it. 


So, edgy IS in me but I am afraid of losing something of myself by letting her out. I am afraid of losing what? Well, my identity really. I've developed a certain style through the years with this confined artist in me. I am afraid she will be lost if I move to a more open approach. And, I don't know what the new style would be. There are so many people out there painting like they paint, am I going to pick one of those styles? I don't want to. I want my own, but how could there be yet another style for me? AND, one that is unique to the world?


Perhaps I should start with where I am. 


I am a representational painter who likes to create unique connections in my paintings. I dabble in impressionism but am rather representational and can't seem to not want to do that in some form. How do I turn this to edgy? Well, some of my older paintings WERE actually edgy in the subjects I connected in the paintings. Hmmm. What's wrong with that?


Maybe my real Fear is that I am doing it "wrong." That I should be following a more modern and popular form of expression in my painting. Hmmm


Both are probably true. I AM afraid of letting go and painting wildly. And, I AM afraid I am doing painting "wrong."


I should print and post this infront of my pallette. It would do me good to let go of some old definitions all around...