Day 51
Carried the chair around town this morning running errands. Felt weighed down by it in a new way. IT felt more burdensome than what it represented. I just continued on my errands, came home with it. Worked for a few hours on a component that could be taken to the shop from the job. Wrote some during a break. Wrote some important stuff. Stuff that I've not allowed myself to be clear on until now. I've been afraid. Until now. Well, I am still afraid, but I realize writing it and facing it and making clear decisions about it all is far less scary to me now than going on as I have been,...avoiding the issues.
So, later in the day, I went with my husband to the lumber yard and to order up some gravel for a job at a landscape supply; and we stopped for dinner at Chipotle then for a cup of decaf. I left the chair in the car. Very purposefully, I didn't carry the chair. This felt a bit odd but mostly just felt right. I don't know if I am done all-together with carrying the chair; but it seems last night's breakthrough was significant. The Chair was beginning to be an anchor to my Fear. It was beginning to anchor me to the past and to furture projections. Maybe tomorrow it will feel different, but for now, it feels as if the Chair needs to stay in the house when I'm home and in the car when I go places. It still is a significant metaphor to keep me aware of when I am letting Fear decide life for me. in other words, I don't think I am entirely done with it. But I need to loosen it's ties between metaphor and the real Fears. I need to lighten my load, for today anyway, for sure.
This FCP has surprised me. First, that I actually have done it! Then, I am surprised by the depth of this difficulty right now. This sense that I must be careful lest I drown in my own cure for Fear. I recall the multiple times in life that it has occurred to me that what saves us, that is, how we save ourselves as children from whatever big sad or pain we endure as children (my belief is that EVERYONE has a BIG sad as children that we somehow deal with through life), whatever we do to survive childhood will ultimately kill us as adults if we don't learn how to stop doing it. That is, our coping mechanisms that worked as children will work against us growing as adults. So, this Fear Chair was a necessary tool to understand how my Fear works and perhaps even how I work in response to Fear. But, if I hold onto the Chair when I have learned all I can from it, there is a chance it will do damage. So, when we need to move on, if we don't move on, we go backwards (or sideways) is basically what I am saying.
Yikes.
For tonight, I am pondering what needs to be painted on the Chair next. I toyed with some designs in paint tonight. I think tomorrow the underside of the Chair will finally be painted. It has always contained the word "Love;" which has most everyday been a beautiful reminder to love myself through the Fear. Now I see it deserves an image too.
Then I will get in touch with somewhere to donate it when it is time for it to move on for good.
I am not finished writing about Fear, if anyone is still out there reading. (BTW my website guru says the site doesn't have comments capability for blogs, so, if you want to message me, the site has a link to my FB page or contact info. for e-mail.) And, who knows, the Fear Chair may still go with me beyond my car sometimes. Certainly it will be on hand in the car if I feel myself slipping into Fear-based living again.