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Wow. Day 50


So, got some sleep. 10 hours to be exact. Painted on the house again today but was stopped by the blessed, if interrupting rain. Today would have been the finish day but, but oh well, there ya go. Total of .25 inches since the beginning of July. We needed the rain more than I needed to meet the deadline. The client will be fine. Is fine.


So again, I was thinking about these dangerous waters I am treading in, or thought so last night in my depleted state. And, yes, that's pretty much it. I am feeling the danger of drowning in all the past decisions that have been coming up in my psyche the past week or so. The decisions I made based on Fear. Yikes. The past. I am swimming in the past. This is NOT where I want to be. So, do I let go of the chair and the past will also be let go of? After 50 days, am I ready to stop carrying the thing around? In many ways, yes, undoubtably. Then, in bursts a friend all pissed and outraged about this " g.d. f-ing rain!" and I have a flashback and respond to the fear that it brings up for me. This is never a good place from which to respond to rage in another person. It didn't go well. Could definitely have been worse, but it didn't go well. 


So, again and again,... I need to figure out how to let go of the past Fear and Fears. Perhaps THAT's what I carry around that is more of a burden than Fear itself. The residual Fear of the past. Hmmmm. I am thinking that perhaps is more to the point. Because, really, I am pretty courageous and strong in many ways. I carry a Chair around everywhere for godsake. But, what I am perhaps REALLY burdened by is the Fear I still carry based on past fear-based decisions or simply fear-based experiences. So my Fear Chair is more of a Past Chair in many ways. Hmmmm...


It's still a Fear Chair though, I do actually still hold myself back from doing what I need to do in life because of Fear. But I need to be aware of this component of my Fear. A HUGE portion of the Fear that holds me back really IS based on my inability to let go of the past. I suppose, in a way, all Fear is either past-based or future based. When I am able to live in the NOW, even in more challenging situations, Fear is just not part of the experience. When I am able to focus on being present, I think I could just sit in the chair in my imagination (or literally). When I am stuck in the past or future projecting, I'd say I am carrying it around. 


This is a good exercise. I think I will work on imagining and perhaps sitting in the chair (only) when I am living in the present. And at other times, the burden of carrying the chair will be the burden of carrying my past or Fears about the future. THEN, perhaps, one day I will be able to set it aside and move on from it.


I feel as if I have finally nailed down just what the chair is for me. I think now I have a sense of what it will look like when I am finished with the FCP. Whew.... only 50 days to figure out why I am doing this. lol. sheesh.