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Day 47


Today the chair went with to breakfast then a walk to the library, and after a nap, on a catering with me. Busy Saturday for the chair.


I learned today that someone I've considered a good friend for years has been trash-talking my chair. I heard this from a third party. I also didn't hear details just that it's been going on. My first response was complete anger that this friend would do this. Then I felt hurt that she wouldn't tell me her feelings herself. I have some pretty serious issues to face in life (some that I can't detail here because of confidentiality) that bring up all sorts of "what if"s and "if only"s that mask some big Fears. My friend knows about these issues. The put-down about my FCP cut pretty deep because of this. Then I wondered if she's afraid of the FCP for some reason, like maybe she thinks it's weird and any association with it will reflect poorly on her choice of friends. I can't know what's going on in her head but I did realize eventually that this response is a sign of what I've known about for sometime in this relationship. I can't deny it any longer that there already is a lack of connection in this relationship and the chair is just bringing it out. I've been afraid to admit it for a long time.


The Fear of letting go.


It reminds me of the challenge put before me a couple weeks ago to write a list (or create a series of paintings) of things that make me loveable. The person issuing the challenge added that until I resolve my own sense of my loveableness, I will continue to gather people around me who don't treat me with the love I deserve. 


Maybe I should get at that list.


Anyway, I explained the FCP to the person who delivered the news about my friend and this person was very compassionate and told me after a few minutes that this is actually a very courageous project; siting not only carrying the chair around but also simply admitting the Fear. Most people bury it or fly into rages over it, she noted. I agreed and noted I'd tried both and was tired of them both, so, the FCP is my hopeful alternative.


I don't want to mention this to my friend; but I probably will. It's scary. Being a grown-up sucks sometimes.


Tonight, as I was reflecting on all of this, I noticed that the FCP (and the 30 in 30 challenge as well) is foundational for me. It is forcing me to do some work that changes me on what feels like a cellular level. It's making me feel more solid. Of course this is metaphoric but it feels that elemental. So, perhaps I may not find all of life's answers (or become a famous painter) but I am becoming more solid, more present. And I certainly am learning a lot about what I am capable of doing and feeling as I go through day to day living. And my life is becoming far more my own. That's the surprising thing. I thought the FCP was all about changing what I DO because I learn about my Fear; but I am changing what I allow myself to FEEL as well. Bit by bit. One day at a time.

Deep breath... and good night.