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Day 46


Tonight I am afraid I don't know what I'm doing. I think it's a chemical thing quite possibly, monthly cycle perhaps. Just struggling with my mood. Felt good carrying the chair everywhere. Did forget to carry it when I walked up to our neighbors though. There's a grass and by now likely forest fire a few miles from our house. With the drought, and having seen a massive forest fire in Central Oregon last year, I'm a bit preoccupied with concerns over that as well. 


Just have to note here that, while we are concerned about a forest fire in the wake of months without significant rain, tonight there were fireworks displayed at the stadium down in the valley on the way to Portland. Unbelievably idiotic if you ask me. People have been evacuated from their homes, and someone's got to shoot off fireworks? At the LEAST insensative, at MOST a serious firehazard.


Anyway, I'm just feeling off tonight. 


Caused by any Fear? hmmm....


Fear of forest fire reaching our house. Hearing a signal of some sort in the middle of the night that means we have to evacuate.


Fear that the 30 in 30 challenge isn't going to result in any insights for me. Fear that I am not really an artist, that I don't have what it takes to be successful. 


Fear that I will always block my own success because I am afraid of success. There, I said it. Shit.


Also, that woman's question the other day has been playing in my head today, what WILL this FCP look like when it is done? I haven't the foggiest. Earlier tonight, I thought, maybe I'm done carrying the chair. I've re-identified for myself the 4 steps to stepping into fearful situations. That's something. Then I started paying attention to this funk I am in. 


I think Fear of success is enormous for me. It feels out of countrol. Wait, no, it feels like I am driving on a narrow road with no guard rails and a several thousand foot drop into a wide open valley floor below is beside the car. I am focusing intensely on the road because if I look out at that gaping hole, across which is my destination (success) I will just drive off the edge of the cliff, sucked out into the abyss. Pulled out by the vast expanse of overwelming boundrilessness. Success feels like that, it feels like I won't be able to contain myself or manage all that needs to be managed. 


I realize I am projecting when what I really need to do is (look at last night's lessons) focus on what is infront of me, prepare (do what I can in the now),... ok, I'm thinking about those tools from last night and I see the block is in the strategy. Looking at what is infront of me and visualizing what comes next. I am stuck there. I can't strategize because I'm too freaking scared. So I sit. I sit out on life. Afraid of success and all it's out-of-controlness that from where I am at right now seems anhilating. How do I move beyond this Fear?


I think I need to link this blog to FB so whomever is reading this can give me some input. Perhaps that's my first step in a strategy. I'm catering tomorrow (Saturday) and working at our jobsite Sunday. I'll see if I can make myself make it happen this weekend.