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Day 40


Saturday, and another 8 hours of house painting at a client's but the trim-work is ALL done! scraping, bondo, sanding, primer, two coats of color. Whew! Monday we begin cutting in on the body of the house. It is 10:39 and I am wiped out.

Came home and painted my 6th painting for the 30 in 30 challenge. Somewhere in the middle of painting, just when I thought I might be close to finished, I realized I hated it. I've given myself permission to not love or even like everything I paint but I really want to at least not hate the paintings I do for this challenge. So, I had a talk with the Universe (basically, "How do YOU make clouds look so great?" then listened. lol) Turns out the Universe is not afraid to use white in clouds AND, it's not afraid to "paint" BIG shapes. This is what I learned. My offering misses the mark a bit I think but it's not terrible. Perhaps worthy of further work in future. It's day 6 and finally I am beginning to listen to lessons in the painting of these pieces. I am afraid to use white AND I am afraid of big solid-color shapes. Hmmmm.... We'll see where that realization leads me. I'll have to practice perhaps making big white shapes. lol.

Anyway, Fear, Fear, Fear,... Today for some reason, Fear seems closer. Or bigger. I realized today that my Fear is SO much more difficult to bear when it involves people I love than when it seems to be mine alone or seems to be in response to people who I am not particularly (or at all) close to. Sometimes I trip over my Fear, bump into things/people, with it, hurt myself or others whom I love; simply because I bear great Fear  or fearS in my relationships with them. Is this because I have expectations about what those relationships should look like? Hmmm, probably that is exactly it. With people I am not close to, relationships can be much more fluid and flexible. Stick a relationship with a name closer to home and suddenly, even though I really really try not to have expectations ("expectations are interest on borrowed troubles" my then 80 year-old mentor used to tell me) I can't help feel ing a tensing in my psyche when the person makes a choice that doesn't fit with what would work best for me in a given situation. 

How would I identify that "tensing"? I'd say it's Fear that someone isn't behaving in a way that fits my expectations. Crap. No wonder Fear feels closer or bigger. I think I need to reflect on this a bit. I haven't painted on the chair in a number of weeks. I've been thinking about adding something but just haven't gotten around to it. I think I haven't painted it yet because it isn't yet true. However, I do think I need to paint something on it about expectations. Hm... Not sure what that will be; but I need to carry  on the chair an image of the burden of my expectations and the Fear/S that drive/s them. 

So, what IS the Fear/S that drive/s them? Hmmm,....yikes. Loss of control comes to mind immediately. And what is Fear of loss of control REALLY about? Wellllllllll,....perhaps about a fear of descent into chaos. And,....what would happen if I descended into chaos? My first thought is, "I'd turn it into an art lesson," I love creative chaos and love to teach people how to embrace it. So, why do I Fear chaos? I guess it has to do with a lack of a basic belief in myself. I am afraid "this time" I won't come up with the creative solution and all hell will break loose. All hell basically meaning ultimately that I will be alone. Unloved and unloveable because I couldn't do the thing I needed to do to keep things in control and moving in a way that makes sense according to whatever nebulous design created by who knows.


The origins of the creation of expectations really are that goofy.  "Whatever nebulous design created by who knows." I mean, who decides what a partnership or a parent/child or child/parent or grandchild/grandparent or marriage relationship involves? Sure, sociologically there are trends but, really, those are pretty broad. My expectations tend to be p r e t t y specific. Specific, I suppose due to many things, role models in my childhood, what I see in media, whom I admire, how I feel about myself. Yeah. Bingo. How I feel about myself.


So, earlier in the week, as I mentioned I think in my 30 in 30 challenge post from last night, someone suggested I do a painting series based on what makes me loveable. I tried it last night and tonight, I tried NOT to do it, but as it turns out (read tonight's 30 in 30 description) I did anyway. I am thinking perhaps one way around this Fear thing is to better know my strengths. I mean, carrying the chair IS physically strengthening, I need to explore the specifics of the strengthening that is going on inside too. And name it.

SO, on one side of the balance, I have Fear (spiders, visibility, of being unloved and unloveable and alone). On the other, I am beginning to build my list. I also (I learned from the past 2 nights of painting) contain at least 2 qualities that make me loveable: I am earnest; and I am turbulent-and-beautiful. Ok. An idea for what will be painted on the chair next is beginning to take shape....