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Day 36


I want to post today's 30 in 30 painting because it's relavant to the FCP:

It'a called "Fearful Heart." Yes, I had therapy today. lol.... This was not my therapy assignment. My assignment was actually to think about painting a series based on what I need in dealing with my fear. A good idea. And perhaps I will do that. But this is what came out today.


Another assignment came after my therapist asked, "so, with the chair project, tell me about the fear that's been coming up for you." I paused feeling very deer in the headlights, noticing a desire to judge myself  for not having an easy 10 point list to tick off. I laughed to buy myself a little time, said, "Well, spiders,...hahaha..." Then remembered, ah yes, visibility. That was good for about 10 seconds. Then she said, "what about visibility makes you afraid?" Shit,....pause, think think think listen listen,... crap, I skrew up my face and say, it's the bigness. I'm afraid of being big. Then go on to elaborate just a bit. Then pause. Just enough time for her to ask, "So, what are you afraid would happen if you are big?" Shit...This is why I love my therapist. She doesn't stop at the first or second answers. She knows those are just easy answers. It's the questions those answers bring up that I really need to think about.


So one of my assignments is to list what I am afraid of about being big. I haven't done this yet. I may share a bit of it tomorrow. It's been a long day. A good day. And a long day. Another 6 hours of house painting before the above was begun and completed.


I do want to share an encounter with the Fear-Chair in a pharmacy today. A man sporting a ZZ-Top beard and about as old started, as we both waited in line, "that chair is very easy to see."  

"yes it is," I said, waiting and allowing... then "that's the idea." 

"I bet it is." he said dead-pan...waiting.....then, "did it come like that?"

"No, I painted it," waiting....

"Did you build it too?"

"No, just painted it."

"Well, it's not a bad paint job," 

"Well, thank you..."

"It's good to have a chair if you need it I suppose." 

"It's actually a project, I have to carry it everywhere I go. Today is the 36th day I've carried it."

"Is that right? Why do you do that?"

"Well, it's a way to externalize my Fear. I carry the chair around everywhere because I carry Fear inside me. Someday I'll not need to carry Fear. So someday I'll stop carrying the chair."

Pause. My name is called. He's thought a bit, "Say, I bet that's a real good idea,"

"Seems to be." I smille and say, "Take care!"

"You too!"


I loved that encounter.