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Day 31


Wow. Officially one month since I took up the Chair. Time flies when you're carrying Fear. No, really. When I start out my day, I think of all the places I need to go and things needing to be done. Then I consider how will the Chair work out there, or there? Sometimes as I'm going about errands or getting supplies for a job, I'll think of some place I'd forgotten to plan on and so time goes into figuring out how I'll carry the Chair in a spontaneous stop. I keep busy with it. 


Then there is noting the reactions of others and conversations to remember so I can blog about them. I really should carry a notebook. Perhaps I'll figure out a way to stick a pocket on the chair to carry one. (It's not heavy enough) Or, creating mnemonic devices to keep prompts in my head for things to blog about that I've reflected on about Fear throughout the day. Time passes pretty quickly.


At the one month anniversary of the start of the FCP, a few highlights:

    The hugs, tears and memories or reflections this project has prompted in people who hear about it 

    Taking the Chair to a Shakespeare at the Vineyard performance of "Twelfth Night"

    The increased sense of allowing and openness

    "Water Table" rising

    Realizing it is time for me to simply BE decisive (don't think I've blogged about this yet, will)

    The Universe/God/Source collaborating with me to manifest the chair (at the right price!)

    I started a BLOG!


So, tonight, as I move from reflecting on the past month to the present moment, I am filled with gratitude at the wealth, abundance and joy of this project. That isn't to say it's been easy. It's been incredibly challenging. And speaking of challenging, I thought I'd mention a few fearS floating at the edges of my consciousness tonight. Spiders. Why? Because it's autumn and they are abundant and mature (big) as they ready for winter in their own ways? I'm not actively behaving differently because of this, it's more just a sense of this fear floating up to the surface of that "water table" of general underlying Fear within me. In the past, this experience with spiders has been associated with change, a feeling of out-of-controlness that comes with transition. I definitely am going through a transition, so it makes sense spiders are showing up in my dreams and manifesting in all sorts of places in my waking life as well.


Second fear is wrapped up in my art. Who am I as an artist? Do I have the whatever to earn a living with my art? Do I even want to earn a living at it? Why? Why not? These questions are big right now. The FCP has opened me up in challenging ways too. I realize some of what, ok most of what holds me back as an artist has been my Fear of the BIGNESS of being a successful artist. Not just the success but the BIGNESS of the process, the work, the production, the visibility, the energy. It is daunting. Yet, while the Project has awakened these questions (in the past I was too fearful to even admit the questions!), it also, I have noticed, is simply moving me along. This is exciting; but it is also very very unknown and unknowable until each moment is upon me. For now. This IS the transition time after all. Someday this transition will be moved through (and on to other ones). In the meantime, God/The Universe/Source (I call my God "G.U.S." by the way) has brought the next bend in the flowing waters of transition. An artists FB group I belong to just issued a challenge to do 30 paintings in 30 days starting on the 8th. My response was that since I am still carrying a Fear Chair after 31 days, I can't not do this. Yikes and Yippee!


The other big fear right now is just that I simply don't know where I am going with this Project. I mean, I have never known where I was going with it; but I knew I needed to do it. I still believe it is the right thing to do right now, perhaps it is mostly because I don't know where it is going that it is so right to be doing it. There are some pretty big circumstances in life right now that I have no control over and that carry with them much potential for Fear. Carrying the Chair in a way externalizes the Fear and fearS so it/they may be examined more objectively. And this feels far more doable than swimming in the waters (water table of Fear, river of transition ---mixed metaphor? or theme?) trying to see what I am immersed in.


So, I don't know what the future holds but one day at a time, one step at a time, you'll see me, for now chair in hand.