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Day 22

I needed some cheerleaders today and found them in my sister and my daughter. I am so grateful for their support. For one thing, they helped me see that what's been coming up (and what I've been writing in my blog) is the fear of what other people think. Holycow and, uh, duh... I so often think I've moved beyond peer pressure. I'm 51, haven't worn makeup in decades, don't dye my hair, live pretty much they way I see fit; but this chair has shown me my folly. I still give a shit, sometimes perhaps too much, what other's think of me. Wow. So, that's out in the open. I haven't painted on the chair for a while. I think this may need some form of expression. I will think about it.


The other important insight was when I was reminded of the principle that we can only change in ourselves what we accept to be part of us. Perhaps the best example is body size. We can't sustainably change our body size until we accept our body image. In order to change, we first need to see where we ARE. And even perhaps love our selves as we are. So, perhaps, we also need to love the fearful part of ourselves before we can really let go of Fear. This is why I have the chair. Of course I could just set the chair down or lose it somewhere but that won't get rid of Fear. The chair is just a chair. BUT, it IS a metaphor, and in that, it does represent a process of accepting who I am, WITH my burden of Fear and fearS even to the point of simply walking around with them/it very visible to the world and very visible to the people who's opinions matter to me.


Tonight when I took my daughter out for pizza, a woman came up behind me and whispered loudly, "is that YOUR special chair?" Without turning to look at her (it seemed a covert conversation and turning would blow the effect), "yes it is." I answered. "And only YOU get to sit in it?" I turned then as I answered "yes" but she'd gone.  I have no idea of the meaning there (yet) but .... hmmm....