Day 21 I believe...
I didn't carry the chair everywhere today. It stayed in the car a lot. I haven't been feeling fearful. Actually have been quite strong and decisive the past couple of days. Life has been a bit of a rollercoaster which is why I haven't been posting; but I've been very conscious of where my Fears lie and have moved forward quite well beyond them.
I AM noticing a number of people have implied that this FCP is actually weighing me down or tethering me to Fear-based living. I am mulling this over. Initial response is no, of course, as I've written in this blog, that isn't how this works. But I am noticing that the pressure from others to not carry the chair IS there, and I have also noticed that today I did not carry the chair.
My assessment, to be honest, is that I am afraid they know better what I should be doing AND that I SHOULD just let go of the chair and let go of Fear and let go of my fearS and live life to the fullest. Yes. Yes, I should do those things. However, I've known for a very long time that I should do those things and yet something has held me back. I believe Fear has held me back. Despite my KNOWING what to do, I DON'T do it. Why? because there is this massive, heavy, unknown-ness about my Fear. And at the same time, there is an insidiousness that allows it to slip in unknown to influence my choices and responses.
I don't think I'm really that different from most people. My sense is that even those people who passively tell me to drop the chair are sometimes blindsided by their Fear or fearS. I AM tempted to drop the project. I AM tired of carrying the chair. I AM tired of looking different in such a different way. And it's heavy. And life right now brings a great heaviness already in the form of some relationship and health issues. I do know that carrying the chair has been good for me. Very strengthening of mind, body and spirit actually.
A lapse... I have lapsed. Does this mean the Project should end? Does this mean I should not carry the chair? Funny, the most recent lesson I learned from the chair is how critical it is to simply be decisive in a difficult situation. And so I was simply and very clearly decisive. It turned out well. It really was the best solution simply to decide. Yet, here I am feeling all wishy washy, ooey gooey indecisive about the Project.
How many posts am I going to spend discussing whether this is going to continue or not then concluding that it is a good project and it IS helping me move forward!
This is unbelievably difficult in completely unimagined ways.
Just read this post to my daughter and she gave me a pep-talk I needed, reminding me the chair is just a chair. That people who think it's silly or unnecessary or burdening don't get what the Project is about and perhaps have fears around seeing someone carry a Fear Chair. She reminded me too that the quote, (sorry Mr. Roosevelt) "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." is wrong. The most pervasive and paralizing fear is the fear of our fear. So read it tongue in cheek, "We have nothing to fear but fearing fear." This Project was started, again, not because I am so unbearably Fear-full but because I feel a strong desire to know Fear, to know MY Fear. Not my fearS. Those are clear. But what is this underlying presence of Fear that I don't know so well but have carried throughout my remembered life. And, just HOW does it sneak into my relationships and decisions and responses,... ooooo and my goals? The questions are only now coming to light. Why would the answer already be just let go of the chair?