Day 17
Two people asked today, "how long do you think you'll be carrying the chair?" "I dunno,...a year maybe....?" Got a wide-eyed chuckle out of them both...In seriousness. I don't know....
Got together with my friend, (she gave permission to use her name) Carol, with whom I meet weekly to talk life, art, the universe and everything. I was reminded during our conversation of what we'd been talking about two weeks ago (17 days to be exact) when she reminded me of the woman with the anger chair. We'd been discussing times in our lives when we felt most alive and what might be missing from our lives now that could pehaps foster that heightened-living feeling again and what perhaps was blocking us from just doing it. Just living to the extreme.
So talking about this again today it occurred to me the Fear Chair Project is beginning to feel like a step in the right direction. We talked then about how when people initially see "Fear" painted on the chair or hear about the Project or even read about it on FB, there are often responses to the negativity that the word conjures. I myself, as you may or may not have read in this blog, have wrestled with the negative aura that seems to surround the concept if not word. But as we spoke, it was so clear to both Carol and I that this is not at all a negative Project and it actually DOES fit very well with my practice of the Law of Attraction and positive living.
The FCP is about clarifying what Fear is for me, how I react to Fear and how I desire to respond to Fear. It isn't about conquering anything. As I've said before, Fear can be helpful. It's saved my life on occasion I am certain of that and at times I DIDN'T heed it, I was often saved by shear luck or quick-ass thinking, strong will to survive and shear luck combined. Fear may be the second primal emotion but it is not the opposite of Love. It can lead one in that direction but seeing and understanding my Fear actually is a journey of Love. The FCP is about knowing and loving myself, seeing myself and being seen, even the scary stuff.
As the honeymoon with my chair concludes, I am noticing hauling the chair around is only the catalyst. It's how I relate to myself and others about the chair that seems to be where things happen. I went grocery shopping with it today. I also found a FABULOUS hanging planter. It looked TOO cool atop the chair in the cart. In the cereal isle a woman exclaimed, "WOW, where can I get that?" "Which one, the plant or the chair?" I asked. "Both!" She was excited to hear the plants were just out front but looked dissappointed to hear the chair was mine and I had brought it. No further questions asked and no explanation given. "Well they're both just wonderful." She said walking away.
Later, as Carol and I closed down the coffeeshop, we weren't done talking, so we walked for half an hour around the college campus in town. I carried my chair on my back through the gathering orientation attendees and officials. The only question was from a young man registering new voters. No, my status is up-to-date, I assured him. Thank you. A few times I thought about carrying the chair but mostly I was engrossed in our conversations about what wealth is -- that someone with tons of money can be the poorest man if he is unsatisfied with what he has. He believes he hasn't enough therefore he hasn't enough. While the man with little or no money can be wealthy beyond imagining if he is happy. He believes he is rich, therefore he is. I think therefore I am; or perhaps, I think I am, therefore I am.
Gratefully tonight I think I feel mmost alive.