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Day 16 of the Fear Chair Project and I begain again in judgement of myself. I found myself this morning wishing that I'd just posted the photo and left it at that. The post seemed incomplete - inarticulate and sketchy. I just read it tonight and decided to leave it as is. There is truth in it and that is enough. 


Last night I mentioned it is getting more difficult emotionally to carry the chair because, compared to all the non-chair-bearing citizens, I seem to be burdened very visibly by fear. Beyond that superficial self-judgement though, I've been struggling to with the fact that I decided just weeks prior to the start of this project that it is time to explore and develop a disciplined approach to what is popularly called "the Law of Attraction," basically purposefully creating my life by chosing to focus on what I want to co-create with the universe/God/Source. So,... why did this Fear Chair Project come up NOW? How does this fit in with positive thinking and asking for what I need?


It's not just a rhetorical question. I really don't know. It may have something to do with clarity. I've been reading a book that explains the physics of why the Law of Attraction works and the way it works. And the book explains that the universe deals in clarity not ambiguity and so when we are clear we are more aligned with the way the universe works. I don't think I've ever really been clear about my Fear. I've had "fearS" and I know I am "much-afraid,' often in facing life. But really, what AM I afraid of? And at base, WHY?


Today I noticed something. Whenever I bring my chair into some establishment and someone says "nice chair," or some such compliment, I always answer, "thanks, it's for a project I'm working on," or "thanks, I have to take it everywhere with me." I heard myself answer someone today like that and I walked away realizing this is a buffer. That woman didn't ask for any explanation. It's my way of normalizing the fact that there is a painted chair in our midst that doesn't really make sense. And I brought it. So I feel uncomfortable just letting it just BE there. Realizing this, I decided to change. So, I went out to dinner with my husband for our anniversary tonight (14 years!) and a couple people complimented the chair. "Thank you," I said.


How to explain how excruciating and exquisit this change feels... It IS clarifying. So it does feel like something clicks with the way to be in life. Yet, it strips away a buffer, an ancient protection I've used to keep myself feeling valid when someone notices me. When someone sees me. God, this is SO much about being visible for me. Just - being - seen...