my . artist run website

Day 36


I want to post today's 30 in 30 painting because it's relavant to the FCP:

It'a called "Fearful Heart." Yes, I had therapy today. lol.... This was not my therapy assignment. My assignment was actually to think about painting a series based on what I need in dealing with my fear. A good idea. And perhaps I will do that. But this is what came out today.


Another assignment came after my therapist asked, "so, with the chair project, tell me about the fear that's been coming up for you." I paused feeling very deer in the headlights, noticing a desire to judge myself  for not having an easy 10 point list to tick off. I laughed to buy myself a little time, said, "Well, spiders,...hahaha..." Then remembered, ah yes, visibility. That was good for about 10 seconds. Then she said, "what about visibility makes you afraid?" Shit,....pause, think think think listen listen,... crap, I skrew up my face and say, it's the bigness. I'm afraid of being big. Then go on to elaborate just a bit. Then pause. Just enough time for her to ask, "So, what are you afraid would happen if you are big?" Shit...This is why I love my therapist. She doesn't stop at the first or second answers. She knows those are just easy answers. It's the questions those answers bring up that I really need to think about.


So one of my assignments is to list what I am afraid of about being big. I haven't done this yet. I may share a bit of it tomorrow. It's been a long day. A good day. And a long day. Another 6 hours of house painting before the above was begun and completed.


I do want to share an encounter with the Fear-Chair in a pharmacy today. A man sporting a ZZ-Top beard and about as old started, as we both waited in line, "that chair is very easy to see."  

"yes it is," I said, waiting and allowing... then "that's the idea." 

"I bet it is." he said dead-pan...waiting.....then, "did it come like that?"

"No, I painted it," waiting....

"Did you build it too?"

"No, just painted it."

"Well, it's not a bad paint job," 

"Well, thank you..."

"It's good to have a chair if you need it I suppose." 

"It's actually a project, I have to carry it everywhere I go. Today is the 36th day I've carried it."

"Is that right? Why do you do that?"

"Well, it's a way to externalize my Fear. I carry the chair around everywhere because I carry Fear inside me. Someday I'll not need to carry Fear. So someday I'll stop carrying the chair."

Pause. My name is called. He's thought a bit, "Say, I bet that's a real good idea,"

"Seems to be." I smille and say, "Take care!"

"You too!"


I loved that encounter. 

Day 35


On Friday the artists FB page I belong to issued a challenge: 30 paintings in 30 days. It struck an immediate chord with me,... excitement first, then Fear. It's a familiar chord. Ever since, in 1985, when I was working for a non-profit in Kentucky at a youth center, I saw the little sign above the microwave (a big deal in 1985, purchased with funds from the haunted house we volunteers and staff put on) that read "Excitement is Fear turned inside out," this chord has shown up regularly in my life. Usually it's Fear then through some effort and letting go, the Excitement rings in. But this challenge struck the tone a bit differently. Fear took the second seat. So I had to do it.


Today was day one. I was coming off a weekend catering after a full week of prepping and painting a house, a cold that came at me with a vengeance and then this morning a wakening at 4 a.m. Yesterday due to the cold, I thought I'd get some rest, took half a Benadryl and napped for three hours. I am not really a napper. If bone-tired, I can do it and will. But not after noon. If I nap after noon, I can't get to sleep for equal number of hours napped after my usual bedtime. Just can't. But yesterday my head was so full of cotton (read snot) that I wasn't thinking clearly. I napped from 1-4. When I woke and realized what I'd done, I determined that another Benadryl would knock me out at my usual bedtime and tada. All would be good. Well, I was knocked out by 11 which was fine. But awoke at 4, WIDE awake and achy, three hours before my alarm would go off. Sigh.


ANYWAY,.... today was day one of the challenge. All of the above. Then went to work for 6 hours. Painted trim. Balanced with plugged ears on ladders. This was interesting. 3 Foot ladders, so, not too risky. Came home and stood before the easel. When I was in college (30 years ago) I heard a story about J.S. Bach. He apparently was asked once how he was so prolific in his writing. His answer was that every day before he put pen to paper or touched the keyboard, he said a prayer of thanksgiving for what was yet to be created. At that time I'd never heard of such a notion as gratitude for what was to be. My upbringing had taught me to petition God. Requests. Pleas for what was desired. This notion of premature thanksgiving was exciting. So today I stood before the easel and canvas and said my prayer of thanks to G.U.S.S. and began. That simple. I began. Then? I continued. It was wonderful and exciting and scary but while noticing the Fear, I listened to the Excitement. And out it came. The chord. The music of Fear and Excitement flowing outward. A beautiful song. 


The painting is not a masterpiece but I like it. I try to make a practice of painting crap from time to time just to keep the paints flowing. So, I had no expectations for this piece; and, happily, I like it. It is called, "Underneath it all" Oh, when we share these with the FB group we are supposed to say what we learned. Since this challenge is SO challenging and does relate to (multiple) fearS, I may post here some of what I learn for the next 30 days.. Today's lesson: to let go and to stop thinking so much.


As for the Fear Chair. I suddenly notice the motif on the seat is very similar to this painting. Hmmmm..... the chair is from above, a sunflower. This painting is from below, a field of sunflowers. Hmmmm. I've never painted sunflowers before. Hmmm..... What could this mean? Will have to ponder.


The other Fear Chair piece from today was a moment when I found myself encountering someone with much Fear. It was a challenging conversation and I found myself thinking, it'd be nice to be able to give the chair to someone who seems (IMO) to need it more than me. I don't mean it in a snarky way. I told a friend about this and I think she saw it as snarky. What I mean is that this Fear Chair is really sensitizing me to Fear and holicow am I seeing a lot of it around. Also, carrying it has helped me not be weighed down so much by my Fear(S) and I wish I could help people find ways to do this for themselves too. As I typed that last sentence, I realize it is odd that a Fear Chair does physically weigh me down but not nearly as much as Fear internalized used to (and still in many ways does, but am working on it). Could this also be a "excitement is fear turned inside out" moment? Wow. Who saw that coming?  So, by creating a physical symbol of my Fear, I've moved a portion at least or a perception of my Fear to outside of me. Inside to out. Hmmm....It works for me! How Exciting!

Day 34




Got home from my catering last night around 11:30 and was way to exhausted to blog. 


Yesterday a funny thing happenend. My husband and I went to Starbucks for a breakfast date. I of course brought the chair. Had a lovely time. Got up, went out the door, and it hit me, I had left the chair next to our table! Omigosh! I had forgotten the chair! This had never happened before. I of course returned and picked it up and left. Without a word to anyone but my husband. 

We joked then that perhaps that will be what happens eventually to the chair, when I no longer need to carry my burden of Fear, I will just leave the chair behind somewhere. There is something very poetic in that conclusion to the FCP. So, I have to ask myself, is this what is happening? Did I forget it now because I am finished with it? 

Every day, I realize now, I do this assessment. Am I finished with the chair? Today, am I done? Then I run through a check of my internal baggage. Like a K9 sniffing for drugs, I hunt myself for concealed Fear. I did this yesterday and am again doing so right now. And, yes, there is still a significant amount of Fear holding me back in life. Determining decisions about relationships, hindering my forward movement with my art. These are the two main areas still holding Fear.

I've come a long way since starting the project in terms of my courage and clarity in general and I am very grateful for the new strength. Also, I feel proud of myself. This has been no easy task. While it seems some people can unquestioningly carry around an assault weapon everywhere they go in this country, someone carrying a chair still stands out. How odd. It makes me feel like the court jester in the kingdom. All these silly self-important pumped up gun carriers pushing their interpretation of the Bill of Rights strut like knights in their armor, sword at their side. Because they can. Then, by walks the fool carrying her chair. Carrying her humiliation. The Quasimoto carrying the hunch upon his back.

Wow, that makes me tear up. I can see the image so well, and, that IS how I look. Or, might look to people. And, really, that is what is happening. Carrying my Fear is visibly showing the world that I am weighed down by Fear. This is not something to flaunt or feel proud of. It is a humbling act. It is in  recognizing this that perhaps the real strength will come. For now, I will go through my days feeling the fool that I am. I will greet her in the morning as she takes up her chair. And I will look people in the face who look upon me. I noticed in the past few days, I tend to avert my eyes from people when I enter places or whalk anywhere with the chair. I focus on the internal goings on regarding what it is like to carry the Chair. I think I need to feel what happens when I stop averting my eyes and have the courage to meet the faces of people who would react to my humiliation. 

Deep breath.

p.m. post:

Tomorrow starts the 30/30 adventure. That is the 30 paintings in 30 days adventure I am doing with about 200 people in a FB group I belong to. Holycow. Daunting partly because we are also still working on painting a clients house by the 25th of September. That means 6 hours of painting a house followed by starting and completing a painting in the afternoon. I've got a total 2 hours of commuting in there. My house is already a mess. It'll be quite a month.

I stayed home, in my pjs all day today because the cold I was nearly over regained strength due quite likely to the late-night catering outside. Catering is hard hard work especially out of doors and at a large venue (LOTS of fast walking with heavy dishes) and the afternoon was very hot, slipping into a chilly evening. All rather taxing on a body under the best circumstances. So I didn't go out with the Fear-Chair at all. Got lots of rest before the big month starts tomorrow. I suppose I could have started the painting early but that to me feels like cheating. Besides, I needed a day off. 

One of my fearS is that I am lazy. So taking a day off is very hard. Taking a day off even from cleaning house is hardest. So, I needed to do this today. To be kind to me. Fear and fearS really are at root an unkindness to ones self I think. It is a not trusting of ones self. Although I've said before that Fear can be life-saving and I still believe it CAN be good at times, Fear or fearS that have been allowed to take root and stay, I think really are insidious forms of self abuse. 

For me the lack of self-trust points to worthiness issues. The case of laziness strikes at the core of this. My Fears tell me I am not worthy of rest or trust-worthy with my own need for rest. I Fear that one day of stopping on the treadmill of life and everything will fall down around my ears and I won't be able to pick it all up again. I won't start moving again. It's painful to examine this pattern. Easier to just keep running on the treadmill until I am worn down, falling down and have no choice but total collapse. Because someone with a physical health related hinderance has reason to not work. Whereas there is no room for idleness in a healthy person. This is the dark edge of the midwestern work ethic I was brought up with. 

So we work work work and wear out our bodies or die. My grandfather died in his sixties. He collapsed in the middle of a meeting at work. My father just retired at 79. He was a banker AND a farmer. We children grew up waking before dawn to go out and feed the livestock. I started to help when I started going to school. Kindergarten. Before I could lift hay bales, I was dragging them uphill in the cowyard for morning feedings. I'm not complaining, I feel proud of being able to work hard and of having had the experiences to teach me a solid work ethic. I do feel however the side-effect Fear that goes with such an ethic. That all my value comes from work, production. It is a seductive Fear because of the same value societally. There is a lot of support to feel production is equal to value in this country. "Hard work is what built this country," haven't we all heard one or another version of that statement as people argue about our present troubles.


So I took the day off. It's a Sunday. My house is a mess. I didn't even shower. I'm a mess. But the cold is subsiding once again. And, tomorrow is another day.... and I'll bring my Chair to work.


Day 32


Woke up at 4 a.m. with a nasty sore throat. You know, the kind that make you feel like gagging. Hard to get back to sleep. Had to leave the house by 7 for an appointment (that was challenging in terms of bringing the chair with me but I did and it was fine) then to work. Still painting the first coat on the trim of the house we are working on. It was hot today. I did a bunch of overhead sanding. Overhead anything gives me a massive headache. Sanding gives me a nasty headache. I developed a nastily massive headach. (Scar tissue from three cases of whiplash, my physical therapist said I'm "pretty much screwed")


All this set-up to say, I am tired and can't think beyond the snot in my head. End of summer colds, oy. So I can't even recall what I was going to write about tonight. (Think I DO need to get that little notebook). And I am tired. I have a wedding to cater tomorrow night as well. So I'd better rest up. Took lots of zinc today. 


Sorry to be a whiny blog tonight. 


I'll just say, about the FCP today, sometimes, some places are REALLY challenging to take the chair. They so far have worked out fine. I noticed this today and wondered when am I going to hear someone go off on me about carrying it into an innappropriate (in that person's mind) place. I imagine I may hear an angry response someday. I won't fret about it but it did cause me to pause a bit today. The FCP is strengthening me. I sense that will be someday tested...


Good night! Pleasant Dreams!

Day 31


Wow. Officially one month since I took up the Chair. Time flies when you're carrying Fear. No, really. When I start out my day, I think of all the places I need to go and things needing to be done. Then I consider how will the Chair work out there, or there? Sometimes as I'm going about errands or getting supplies for a job, I'll think of some place I'd forgotten to plan on and so time goes into figuring out how I'll carry the Chair in a spontaneous stop. I keep busy with it. 


Then there is noting the reactions of others and conversations to remember so I can blog about them. I really should carry a notebook. Perhaps I'll figure out a way to stick a pocket on the chair to carry one. (It's not heavy enough) Or, creating mnemonic devices to keep prompts in my head for things to blog about that I've reflected on about Fear throughout the day. Time passes pretty quickly.


At the one month anniversary of the start of the FCP, a few highlights:

    The hugs, tears and memories or reflections this project has prompted in people who hear about it 

    Taking the Chair to a Shakespeare at the Vineyard performance of "Twelfth Night"

    The increased sense of allowing and openness

    "Water Table" rising

    Realizing it is time for me to simply BE decisive (don't think I've blogged about this yet, will)

    The Universe/God/Source collaborating with me to manifest the chair (at the right price!)

    I started a BLOG!


So, tonight, as I move from reflecting on the past month to the present moment, I am filled with gratitude at the wealth, abundance and joy of this project. That isn't to say it's been easy. It's been incredibly challenging. And speaking of challenging, I thought I'd mention a few fearS floating at the edges of my consciousness tonight. Spiders. Why? Because it's autumn and they are abundant and mature (big) as they ready for winter in their own ways? I'm not actively behaving differently because of this, it's more just a sense of this fear floating up to the surface of that "water table" of general underlying Fear within me. In the past, this experience with spiders has been associated with change, a feeling of out-of-controlness that comes with transition. I definitely am going through a transition, so it makes sense spiders are showing up in my dreams and manifesting in all sorts of places in my waking life as well.


Second fear is wrapped up in my art. Who am I as an artist? Do I have the whatever to earn a living with my art? Do I even want to earn a living at it? Why? Why not? These questions are big right now. The FCP has opened me up in challenging ways too. I realize some of what, ok most of what holds me back as an artist has been my Fear of the BIGNESS of being a successful artist. Not just the success but the BIGNESS of the process, the work, the production, the visibility, the energy. It is daunting. Yet, while the Project has awakened these questions (in the past I was too fearful to even admit the questions!), it also, I have noticed, is simply moving me along. This is exciting; but it is also very very unknown and unknowable until each moment is upon me. For now. This IS the transition time after all. Someday this transition will be moved through (and on to other ones). In the meantime, God/The Universe/Source (I call my God "G.U.S." by the way) has brought the next bend in the flowing waters of transition. An artists FB group I belong to just issued a challenge to do 30 paintings in 30 days starting on the 8th. My response was that since I am still carrying a Fear Chair after 31 days, I can't not do this. Yikes and Yippee!


The other big fear right now is just that I simply don't know where I am going with this Project. I mean, I have never known where I was going with it; but I knew I needed to do it. I still believe it is the right thing to do right now, perhaps it is mostly because I don't know where it is going that it is so right to be doing it. There are some pretty big circumstances in life right now that I have no control over and that carry with them much potential for Fear. Carrying the Chair in a way externalizes the Fear and fearS so it/they may be examined more objectively. And this feels far more doable than swimming in the waters (water table of Fear, river of transition ---mixed metaphor? or theme?) trying to see what I am immersed in.


So, I don't know what the future holds but one day at a time, one step at a time, you'll see me, for now chair in hand.






Day 30


You'll notice the name of the blog has changed. I am in the process of making cards to give out to folks who ask about the chair so they can check out the blog; and I thought this name might make more sense to find it.


"if you walk with her and do not collapse into her grips or run away from her discomfort, Fear can be a true and intimate friend who leads you into a richer life." This is a quote from a childhood friend of my daughters. The woman is on a year-long retreat/pilgrimage walking through France and Spain. The quote is from her post just before leaving on the flight to Europe. I asked her if I could use it here because it so much speaks to what the Fear Chair Project is. The Chair is the metaphor for Fear. I carry it. I do not collaps into it, I do not pad it or add handles where it rubs my hips or shoulders or hands in great discomfort. My Fear is a beautiful burden. But a burden non-the-less; and someday, my hope is that I will no longer need to carry it.

It feels odd reaching 30 days. A month. In so many ways it feels incomplete. As if I've not learned nearly enough carrying the chair. One would think such an experience would create massive and exciting explosions of change in oneself over a month's time. The changes have been remarkably subtle though; and my sense is they are not deep and lasting changes. Or I'd wake tomorrow and leave the chair home. That may happen. One day at a time after all. But I'm guessing Fear is not finished with me yet.

The few changes I DO see so far are best summed up with the word "opening." There is in me an opening to life that has been closed a long long time. A clenchedness even, that now is relaxing, and allowing me to live as I live, be as I be, say, do, think, listen, all very simply as I be, do, think and listen. There is an openness to living in this moment in my skin that I have only glimpsed before. Now it is a matter of carrying this openness as much as I carry the Chair or the Fear. Every day. One day at a time.

I just read a recent post on FB by the young woman now two weeks into her pilgrimage in France and someone commented, "after doing this you will be able to go anywhere. The first steps are always hard but they will make you stronger." I feel as if the first 30 days carrying Fear/the Chair have been the first steps. I am only beginning to open to this experience. My way in the past in far too many instances and circumstances has always been to skim the surface of understanding and call it good.

I've long lacked the discipline to really stick with something until it is fully absorbed or understood. I think this was due to the fear I have of losing myself. I've done this in relationships, in my education, with jobs, various vices. But I've a couple times dove in and really did lose myself for periods in my life. I think those times only encouraged the fear of doing so again because I was lost to some pretty unhealthy passions. Reflecting on those times though too, I realize the choices I made to dive in were based on fears as well. Not really on passions to live fully and love my life. The only exception was parenthood. That was perhaps the only real choice I've made and just given myself over to it fully living the wild ride. But I carried Fear through out parenting too (see post two days ago). I would add my marriage (second) too to this list. We've got some very unique and challenging circumstances but my commitment to the love of my life is trumping my Fear.

I really do want no longer to hand the wheel over to Fear on this journey through life (perhaps I should be carrying a steering wheel, It'd be lighter. lol). I REALLY do want to walk this, my own pilgrimage I guess. My time in the company of Fear, knowing that Fear is my companion and getting to know and even to love my companion as a part of who I am and as a part of what is the journey through life as a human. And, (back to the chair) the weight of this metaphor, the weight of the journey with the chair and the weight of walking so closely with Fear will make me stronger and will allow me to go anywhere.

Day 29


Quick update sidebar: Our little dog is laying as close as possible without actually laying upon my laptop. Our daughter left this morning for school. She got off without a hitch. The weather was grand all the way, little turbulence, at least she thinks so for she slept most of the way without being jostled awake. Thank you Universe/God/Source... I on the other hand had just a bit of turbulence. Turbulent sobbing that is, as I drove to the jobsite from the airport. Work kept me occupied of mind and body; but upon leaving to go home, I turned on the radio tuned to the station she'd left it at on the way to the airport. Evanesence's "All of Me" was playing. Years ago, when the song was relatively new, I told her someday she would move away and I'd be very happy for her but I would find a quiet place and listen to this song and cry my eyes out. Well, today I did just that in the car. I had to pull over. The funny thing is, I NEVER hear that song on the radio anymore. The last time I did was last year just days after I left her in Georgia for the first time. And, yes, I cried my heart out then too. It seems the universe is keeping me true to my word.... every time...


I don't want to forget to add something my daughter talked about in the car on the way to the airport this morning. We were talking about how beautiful Oregon is and she mentioned that she loves it's beauty but can't help thinking about the hundreds and thousands of venomous snakes out there and that taints it for her. I was surprised by this and tried to wrap my brain around it. I said, "That's like me saying I love hiking but there are billions of spiders out there and so I don't want to go. I try not to think about them or, yeah, I wouldn't go out. So why would I make them visible in my mind's eye?" She didn't quite agree but we talked then about the difference between a Fear and a Phobia. She's mentioned her phobia of snakes to people and their responses range from "Oh, yeah, I hate snakes too." to "What, why do you hate snakes." This bothers her. She doesn't hate snakes. (I don't hate spiders come to think of it) She loves them, thinks they are beautiful. Hate has nothing to do with phobia. She went on then, "and that's the thing about racism too, people say, 'I'm not a racist, I don't hate (fill in blank with a race name).' What they don't see is racism isn't about hate, it's about Fear. We fear what we don't know or understand or can't control, we don't have to hate it to fear it." Very impressive, I thought. 


Back to the Chair.... To cheer ourselves, my husband and I went out to First Tuesday Art Walk in a nearby town then to dinner. The galleries were open and so were some of the artists' studios. It was challenging negotiating gingerly between sculptures and glass cases but I've noticed 4 weeks carrying an oak chair around has given me a significant amount of dexterity I lacked before. I had a few people comment they liked the chair and asked if I'd bought it somewhere. I told them the story. One woman who was a bit smaller than myself (I'm 5'4" 110lbs) and perhaps early 60s seemed impressed by the size of it. Then I got to the part of the story where I mention that it had to be bright colors because one of my fears is being visible. Her eyes got wide. She leaned toward me and spoke just a touch softer, "I know about being invisible. In 7th grade, when I flunked the first term, my mother stormed with me to the teacher and she looked at me and said, 'I wouldn't know who she is.' You see I was always small and I never said a word." She gave me a hug. I said, "I get lots of responses to this chair and sometimes I get a hug, thank you." She thanked me as well and wished me well with the project.


Later, as my husband and I sat adjacent to the open "garage door" at the restaurant, the same woman walked past. My husband saw her and waved and said "Hi!" She looked at him and gave a friendly enough wave that said, I'll respond but I don't really know who you are. Then I saw who he'd waved at and I too waved and said a loud "hello!" She turned to me and her eyes did the round thing again and she smiled big and waved a hearty hello. We were visible to one another.




Day 28


As I walked up the hill this morning, carrying the chair on my walk with the dog, I glanced again at my shadow and I felt the heft of my Fear and noted today my greatest burden of Fear is for my child. Perhaps I delude myself or get preoccupied by life but I think most certainly a massive portion of the Fear I carry is for my child. You see, tomorrow I bring her to the airport so she can fly back to school on the East Coast. I am in Oregon. She's almost as far in the contiguous states as she can get away from where I am. We are very close and perhaps this is the best reason for her to be going to school far away. She needs to live her own life. 


I am grateful. Immeasurably grateful she is going to a great school in a city she loves and has found a circle of people who love her, a family. And I have Fear. 


I remember noticing her first independent movements as a baby-turning toddler. It struck me like lightning that from the moment she was born, my daughter began moving away from me. and every roll, every crawl, every step, every word, and so on and so on, was a further step away. I remember thinking "and someday the steps will be enormous." Well, yeah, here we are... And with every step away, the risk of a fall was there. A skinned knee. A missunderstood word. A messy choice. "The owies get bigger," my mother told me back then. I heard her. But today, I realize the risk for her pain increases but so does the risk for my own pain, the older she gets. Being a mother IS the best job in the world AND the most painful. 


I have Fear around my daughter's life. I fear for her safety, for her well-being, for her happiness, for her fulfillment, for her longing and for her peace. Not to mention for her health, physical, mental and spiritual. Not that she's at any tremendous risk in any way; but she is just so precious and beautiful a gift to me and to the world and to herself. I feel to my deepest core the desire for her fullest life lived. 


And I Fear I did not give her the pass codes to access that fullest life. I Fear her work-ethic isn't quite well-practiced enough to get her digging deep enough or in the best places within herself or her experiences to glean what she needs for her fullest life. I fear I was to hard on her. And I fear I was too lenient. Hard in the wrong ways. Lenient in the wrong places.... you get the idea.


Fear. When I took up the chair, I didn't realize how much is woven into my relationships with people. It's not just about what I fear. Spiders. Ghosts. Change.... Etc... Fear often-times is so entwined in my encounters with the people in my life. Not just mine but others' Fear/s as well. My Fears trigger theirs trigger mine sort of thing as well. From the quickest relationship with someone glancing at me in a coffeeshop afraid to speak to me because of the very thing they are curious about -- the Chair, to the deepest most complex and connected relationship with my daughter, Fear IS the watertable, the undercurrent. Right there with Love. The two flow constant and complex forever and always in every encounter. And in every encounter, from the most fleeting to the longest and deepest relationship, we choose our actions. We choose our focus. We choose to let Fear wash over us and carry us away or we choose to let Love wash over us ... and carry us away....


My heart flies to the East Coast tomorrow. This morning  and for a good part of the day, I swam in Fear. This did not help the situation. My daughter and I fought, I am convinced, because of my wallowing in Fear/s. And now, as she packs in the other room, and as I finish writing this to go join and be with her, I am awash in Love (and gratitude).