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post chair carrying day 43

 

Fear really does find nourishment in reflection on the past doesn't it?

 

I started meditating yesterday. Simple, very simple zen meditation. And holicow, I find suddenly my mind wants to wander into the past and drag my Fear out from behind boulders waiting there for me. Wow. Very interesting how attempting to change something in ones self can dredge up old Fears and reveal addictions even, to Fears. I am not discouraged by this but I am a bit shocked by the magnitude of the effort a part of me seems to be making in response to change. 

 

For a long time, I've said, if something isn't remembered or isn't apparent in one's psyche, there is a reason. Our subconscious knows well how to protect us from that which overwelms us with Fear. So, meditating has been something I've tried to get myself to do for about a year now. There's been something in me holding me back. Now I am moving forward, stepping into meditation practice and that something is likely going to come into the light. The prospect is a bit scary. But in this NOW, the prospect is yet in the future and so it isn't for me to concern myself. When it comes to light, I will be ready. In that present moment.