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Post-carrying Day 16

 

Caught a stomach bug yesterday. Not fun. Finally starting to feel human again this evening.

 

Do others, when they are sick, just feel like you will never feel like yourself again? I don't know if it's really a Fear but, well, perhaps it is. I think it's a bit of a self-sabotage as well. Usually when I get sick it's because I've been doing too much, well, shouldn't be judgey, doing a lot. Doing more than is really healthy. So I feel strong and capable and productive but eventually, if I don't pay attention, something gives, usually my health. My body has always been a good canary in the mine so to speak. It lets me know when my intensity of activity, even "good" activity reaches dangerous levels. And, I am certain this is what happened yesterday. Though of course a bug IS going around, the timing is quite perfect to self-sabotage as well.

 

With the FCP, the two month house painting job ending, the 30:30 challenge (and my rheumatologist convincing me to try gluten-free for 3 months), not to mention family intense circumstances, I've been pushing my growth limits pretty intensely lately. I am also supposed to be contacting galleries to show my prayer flags AND getting paypal connected to my website so I can start selling. Yet those two things are not getting done. Hmmm. 

 

Yes, I am afraid. I am afraid of success. Just as much as I am afraid of failure. Shit. I really thought this was not going to be an issue. I've been working very hard to move forward, to think positive, to lean into my Fear, to stretch. But, as i sit here, feeling the waning nauseau as my body regains it's hold on my health, I realize, I am going to feel better soon. I am going to feel strong again. Physically. The flu was temporary. It is not reason enough to delay getting paypal set up or contacting galleries. 

 

Do I need to carry my Fear Chair around again? Sort of feels like it. Or at least threaten myself with it. Fear of success. Why?

 

It feels out of control.

 

Well, carrying the FC around had a lot of out-of-control factors. No control over how people would react. No control over the spaces I was going with it. No control over what issues would come up because of it. Yet I carried it. Why was that ok but not contacting galleries or selling paintings?

 

Ooooo, because nobody had ever done it before. The galleries and selling have been done by lots of people. I am comparing myself to others again. Measuring myself against what I see as other people's successes. And I know I won't be able to do it like they do it. So even if I do realize some success, my Fear is I will be a failure no matter what because I - am - not - doing - it - "right." It is that humilliation thing. That abandonment for being a loser, stupid, for not knowing how it "Should" be done.

 

I think what is needed here is some good centering again. Some time spent reaquainting myself with my intuition and self-knowledge. 

 

It amazes me how deeply buried are the tendrils of self-judgement. Deep. Insidious. Persistent. Perhaps "roots" is a better image. The roots of self-judgement are deep. I stopped in the middle of a painting some months ago I may go back to. It is the image of a woman with her eyes closed and trees have taken root all over her head. When I first started the painting, I thought it was a pleasant image. Like thoughts taking root but it began to feel anxious to me so I stopped. I couldn't figure out why there was negativity to it. Her face looks so peaceful. I think it perhaps is because she is unawakened to all that has taken root in her head. 

Her peaceful expression is ignorance perhaps. Hmmm. I wonder what the version with her eyes open would look like. 

 

I need some sleep so I can feel strong tomorrow. I have some work to do...