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Post-carrying Day 5

 

One day at a time... 

 

Woke early today after a dream about a couple of identical twins from my early adulthood. They actually brought to light for me my intense buried Fear of identical twins. I think I dreamt of them because I am feeling a bit afraid that someone close to me is deceiving me. I did a lot of work years ago to understand the twin Fear and it really is a deception Fear. The Fear that someone presenting themself to you as they are then turning around one day and they are not the person you thought they were. 

 

It stems from my mom looking SO much like her sister when they were younger (they are years apart in age) that when we would visit grandma and grandpa, if mom and dad wanted to go out they would silently slip out when her sister was there and we kids were all securely playing knowing our mom was still there. One time I remember being upset by something my siblings did and running crying to my "mom" only to find upon closer review that it was my aunt who's lap I'd thrown myself into. 

 

As a parent of several children, I could understand my mom wanting time away and too I can understand how nice it would be to just slip away rather than have half a dozen hands clawing at your pantyhose trying to keep you close. But this story also reminded me as a parent to be careful of what made parenting "easier" for me, because seen from the child, it may do a little damage.

 

For now,... for NOW, this story reminds me that deception sometimes happens. People try to protect themselves through deception. It doesn't mean my world will collapse or is collapsing. It doesn't mean my security is gone. My true and core security resides within; and I know that person. 

 

Ooo, just occurred to me -- is the dream about ME deceiving MYSELF? Hmmmmm...I just said "I know that person" inside me. I guess a therapist could make a Jungian case for me dreaming about deceiving myself. I don't think so, though it is always good to check in with that. I do have some concerns about my life and choices right now but it is the one day at a time that I think is helping me see the NOW and myself within NOW as it/I is/am.

 

The Fear Chair is still in the car. Perhaps I will bring it in at night again.