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Post carrying Day 2

 

So, the chair came in the car with me to the tire store, fabric store, bank and to the grocery store. It was definitely an easier day of errands but I miss talking with people about the Chair, Fear, whatever comes up because of the Chair. I still practice as much as possible, looking at the people around me as I enter spaces or walk through them. I think this is a good practice and am grateful to the FCP for it. It is SO easy to just go about ones business, looking to where one is going, focused on the next task or the specific line of business and never look at people's faces. Also, I was sure to compliment people when I noticed something significant about what they wore or how well they seemed to be parenting, etc... We all need all the positive energy we can get. I am pleased to no longer feel hesitant out of Fear to just drop a quick compliment or to stay and chat a bit if someone seems to want to do so.

 

The day did start out shaky though. Last night's self-bashing left me feeling just how it was supposed to, small and insignificant. Sort of a hangover really. This has been a terrible practice all my life that I am very glad to see for what it is. I read today that when negativity or conflict become an issue, it is vital to examine them, get to know what they are about so they lose their power. I am hopeful that last night's revelation that my self-bashing has always been to return me to my invisible state will help me understand it better next time I say something or do something very visibly "stupid." My hope is to eventually recognize the behavior so well that it changes and eventually is clearly not needed anymore. In other words, my intent is to unburden myself of the Fear of visibility EVEN when I do/say something publicly "stupid." 

 

The other piece of the "hangover," though was a bit more complex. I wrote a bit a few days ago about feeling as if the FCP was becoming a bit dangerous. I wrote this morning in my pages that the Chair has become such a complete metaphor that the metaphor takes on a life of its own in a manner of speaking. That is, it (the Chair) carries more of my Fear than I am conscious of. And, there's a lot of deep dark stuff from the past buried for good reason in my unconscious. I assume I am not unusual in this. Otherwise we wouldn't have nightmares, phobias we can't explain, common fearful images that seem to creep out the collective group to their very bones. Yesterday evening's embarrassing moment followed by my self-bashing tapped into the deep dark stuff that has risen to much less deep levels because I chose to create the metaphor of the Chair. The self-bashing is a habit I have carried on as long as I can remember; and the reasons behind it have gone completely unknown to me for 5 decades. That's deep-dark stuff... When I first awoke, I felt a mess inside. So I am very grateful I wasn't finished sleeping and had the time. I put in one of my daughter's old kid's movies to draw my attention out of myself and was able to sleep long enough to feel truly rested and so upon waking, was able to see what I needed to do to address the Fear that was at the root of my turmoil. Then I did it. And all was well.

 

But I am remaining very aware of the power of this metaphor I created. For a while it will take some vigilance and a great amount of self-love to strengthen me to carry the metaphor. Much more courage and strength than it took to carry the chair.