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Day 43

 

 "Struggling with fatigue. Struggling with Fears. Struggling with my Why. I thought I knew my Why; but between this challenge, the Fear Chair Project and managing a house painting job, I feel like I am walking in a fog looking for myself. This isn't a bad thing. It is uncomfortable as, well, not hell, I've been there; but it IS very uncomfortable. Right now is full of do-ing; but I am grateful for the thread of mindfulness." This is part of what I posted for the 30 in 30 challenge (Day 9). 


Today was a rough day. 9 hours of cutting in on the house. Tomorrow we begin painting the body of the house. Woohoo! I spent a few hours cutting in on a brick surface. Painting brick is highly irritating to me . First, I do not like painted brick, second, painting brick includes rough surfaces and lots of holes to be filled, all very much ruining a brush. Whine. It's been that kind of day. Today I also really felt  the pain of where I am right now in life (see above quote).


Then something came up from my past that had me living in the past while projecting to the future. I know better than to do this. It always results in negativity and pain. My daughter even told me this morning she had to tell someone yesterday she didn't want to reflect on the past because she was feeling anxiety, so she said, "I want to be distracted so I can get my mind off of my mind." I love this, and loved it when I heard it this morning. So why didn't I listen to it and keep my mind off my mind when the painful thoughts came up?


I think Fear is increased proportionate to my fatigue. Or, perhaps, rather, my ability to deal with my Fear decreases proportionate to the increase in exhaustion. Either way, right now, I'm wiped out; and Fears abound, looming large. I think this is the gift of the above mentioned "fog." I think it is a defense mechanism actually because life IS so overwhelming right now. I am embarked on numerous intense adventures simultaneously. Anxiety and Fears over outcomes would be natural. So, my psyche, noticing too that physically I am taxed beyond belief, has me covered in a fog of not-knowing. Sure, I can't see insights or answers, yet. But too, I don't see the monsters either which might otherwise discourage me or cause greater Fear. My present is in a fog. 


Perhaps this is why I was so in my mind of the past and future. The present is so unclear except the preoccupation with massive do-ing. Probably so. Crap. That is hard. I love being mindful and present. It, hmmm.... I will hold the image of myself in the safety, if uncomfortableness of the fog. I don't think I've ever done that for myself. I will comfort myself and allow myself to be here. Today. Now. And see what comes of it. 


Related, I wanted to note the comment I made last night about choosing to focus on living instead of focussing on fears around aging. That was a cool insight. To me it is a sign that I AM focusing on the present more. I do know growing older is very challenging, and I do from time to time fear the prosepect of if not the reality of aging. I'm 51. But  I cannot forget two things my mentor told me years ago when he was in his 70s, "any day I am upright is a good day." and "growing old sucks but it is better than the alternative." He was a man who died living. THAT is what I want to do. For much of my youth, I'd say I "lived dying," In recent years and for today, I choose to live fully this experience of my time on this planet. 


Fears? I have a few, and they do often weigh me down, but I am hopeful my sitting out on life because of it/them, is waning. I am tempted to say, "I just have to finish this damn house painting;" but that is all part of this time, this day, in my life as well. 

 

So, I sat with my chair tonight and repainted the seat. Then I doodled a bit on it as well. I am not a doodler, which i think is odd for an artist. I've had a real block about doodling. So, over the past 6 months I've been purposefully training myself to doodle. Still, it is difficult, so I will listen to the Fear as I doodle on the chair.

 

Here's the renewed seat BTW;