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Day 26

 

Labor Day Weekend Saturday celebrated once again by the self-employed by working. Celebrating the American work ethic, we like to say. We worked prep-ing a house to paint it. Not our usual work but it's work; and she's a long-time client so we stretch ourselves. Oh yes, and lots of big spiders were there to help. It was the first cool, occasionally sprinkly day, so they seemed to come out of the woodwork (litteraly) to just hang there and see what this change in weather means. I let them be. Talked to them a bit just to make myself more comfortable mostly and that seemed to help. They let me be also. One of them may have had a few choice spidey words for me when he/she came out of the siding and got showered with Bondo dust as I was using an orbital sander just above her/his hole in the wall. Otherwise all was fine.

 

Which reminds me, yesterday after taking the beans, tomatoes and cucumbers in from the garden, I got distracted and when I came back to wash the vegis, found a hitchiker on the edge of the bowl. A moderate size garden spider had been harvested along with the produce. I very calmly and quickly brought the bowl outside and tapped it hard on the floor of the porch above the first step. Spidey slipped and hung from an impromptu web (they're are little geniuses aren't they). Not quite long enough, tap tap, a little harder. three inches, still not past the bottom of the bowl. Tap tap,....a n d,... there we are a nice long web strand and I was able to transfer it's anchor to the step. I felt pretty proud of my fearful fearless ingenuity and my allowing of the spider. 

 

Allowing oddly enough has been an issue for me. I don't allow very easily or readily. I get tight and controling or fearful or hesitant or apologetic. Funny, I think yesterday allowing the spider it's freedom uplifted me because in it I respected not only the spider but myself as well. I allowed myself my phobia. I didn't just kill it OR keep it in the house out of guilt. I allowed myself to feel the way I do and I came up with a creative solution to what could have been internal conflict. I think not allowing is where the majority of my internal conflict comes from. Not allowing myself to have needs, not allowing myself to have perceptions that might be correct or perceptions that might be mistaken, not allowing myself to have Fear/fearS, not allowing myself to be decisive or strong or present or ,... visible.... Hmmm.

  

I've not written about this yet but yesterday I noticed that the arthritis in my hands continues to worsen and yesterday the pain of carrying the chair reached an 8. Today it didn't hurt quite that much, but I did leave the chair in the car when I was at work. I figured prep-ing a house for paint today would be enough for my hands. I did take it into the coffeshop before work though. Lots of interesting/interested looks. No comments or questions though. I don't always watch for people's reactions to seeing me carry the chair into unusual places but today I just wondered and so had a look. Anyway, the pain has been increasingly bad for the past 4 or so months. I have never had an official diagnosis but my mother has osteo and my aunt has rheumatoid, so chances are I've got some form of it. At any rate, I have an appointment later this month with a rheumatologist to find out. And, anyway, I just thought this a good post to say sometimes I am going to allow myself to leave the chair in the car if the pain is too much or if I have a lot of work that taxes my hands.