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Day 25

 

Carol and I got together today. Always good to dig in the compost of life with a good friend who is unafraid of the mess. In the end we both concluded it would be a good exercise for me to place myself in a vaccum of other issues, that is, not what ifs or if onlys, just me. And consider what do I need in life. What do I need? So later today I sat down and began such a list. It's longer than I thought it'd be. About 20 or so items on the list. It was a good exercise. I'm going to post it in my room and look at it everyday just to see how I am doing with taking care of me. I am at a crossroads time in life. If I weren't, trust me, I wouldn't be carrying a chair around everywhere I go. So taking an assessment of my needs seems a pretty good start to seeing where I stand before I move too much forward into choices of paths...

 

The chair went to Fred Meyer for the first time today. My daughter needed new hiking shoes and I thought I'd get a few groceries. The carts there are shallower than Winco, where I usually grocery shop. So the chair lay on it's front in the cart. Still, it did get a bit of attention. One woman, writer apparently, commented when I told her briefly my purpose with the chair. Her response was a quiet, "and of course, it would have to be colorful." We talked of color then. Her favorites are oranges and yellows while her husband leaned (perhaps he'd passed away, she looked to be in her 70s) into browns and blues. She wore a dark blue shirt. She pointed to it, "of course I'd be wearing this today, I rarely wear this." I learned that her living room and dining room are more to her husband's tastes while her bedroom is bright in yellows and oranges. The guest room is "orange without really being orange, if you know what I mean." But "people like it, they feel comfortable in there." Such a sweet woman. She never spoke with a hint of judgement about me and my chair or about her husbands choice of colors or her own. She just relayed the information. Told her story of colors. She journals. I wonder if she'll write about the lady carrying a chair everywhere, even in Freddy's until she no longer feels Fear to be a burden. Perhaps she will but my sense is she has no need of judgement about it. She'll simply tell a story.

 

This reminds me of last night's post. My fears around what other people think of me. Holycow. Who do I think I am? Truth is, as I've taught my daughter through her teen years, people DON'T think about me, her or anyone but themselves for the most part. And those that pass judgements, who cares what they DO think. We're all just writing our own stories. Thinking about getting needs met. Taking care of our own really. Hmmm,.... Carrying a chair around, I am beginning to let go of this fear. It still rears it's head but hey, I'm still carrying the chair. No apologies, no explanations. Unless asked, and even then, I usually end up listening more than I talk. Hmm....