my . artist run website

Return to Broke-open Art Blog

Day 24

 

Tough day. Began with abundance and gratitude mantra on my way to a job. Glad I started with that. I think it helped keep my frustrations somewhat in check when power tools began not working then working then not. Argh. I did give in and let off a stream of explitives a couple times but no one was around. Well, once it was while on the phone with my husband, so, technically not around but definitely withing hearing range. Poor guy. I apologized. He understood. He's dealt with this sander too. BUT we found a solution. 

 

Not sure what that has to do with Fear. I suppose it is the insidious irritation of tools breaking down on a hot hot day that brings to mind last night's post. Spiders. And just the insidious nature of negative energy and Fear. Somehow it all just gets under my skin and becomes so much a part of me in my interactions. Before I have a clue it's happening. No matter how much I sing or say my positive mantras, or close my doors, irritation, like spiders can still get in. And no matter how strong I feel carrying a chair about, reminding me to be conscious of Fear, I still get blindsided by things like caring what others think of me.

 

Today I had another encounter with that one... I realized someone who may become important in my life though I have yet to meet this person, may have gotten an impression of me from someone who IS important in my life who has a somewhat skewed image of me. My first internal response was "I gotta fix this!" and "how, how can I fix this?" but as the evening moved forward, so did I. I eventually realize these two people are out of my control and if one or both have negative thoughts about me, i can't be helped by my getting all neurotic and protective. So, I let it go. I really can't afford to waste energy worrying, Fearing, what these two people think about me when there is nothing I can do change things. 

 

Focus on the Love. Tonight I feel sad about what happened but I am breathing and remembering Love is what strenghtens me. 

 

I am realizing that the Fear Chair is heavy (I should weigh it). My upper body hasn't had such a workout since my rock-climbing days. I noticed today how fatiguing it is to carry it though. It HAS been very hot lately and packing that chair in and out of the car and in and out of buildings (not to mention around in the buildings - some have carts but today was the paint store and bank, none of which do) is tiring. Yet, as I wrote about "remembering Love" I realized carrying the Fear Chair IS tiring but it has "Love" painted on the underside of the seat. And the Chair that bears both Love AND Fear is strengthening me. In a very real way, when I lay the Chair in the car, I see that "Love" under the seat and the fatigue sloughs away. Just like remembering tonight that I don't have to focus on my Fear of what these two people think of me but can instead just Love (myself, them, all) creates an internal flushing away of the fear. Cleansing that is also strengthening. 

 

Back to my abundance and gratitude mantra! Full circle...