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Day 18

a.m.

A pervasive unease today as I am sensing a good friend is not happy with me. I don't know what I have done or not done but this friend seems to have a difficult time even looking at me today. I know she has much going on in her life and so am attempting to ride it out just living my life as we pass through this. My tendancy in such a situation is to just become scarce for a little while but we are working on a project together and so today I am going to practice not becoming invisible and setting internal boundaries in case my visibility becomes an issue .

 

I went to a garage sale this morning and saw another friend. She and I chatted, catching up with eachother. First thing, I explained my FCP as the chair was with me. Her insight was very helpful. She said, "you're externallizing fear through the chair." Yes, the undercurrent, the "water table" of Fear that I carry is slowly transferring to the chair. This includes all those little and big fearS in me but also is that presence of Fear, of which those are a part. So eventually I won't have to carry the chair and I can get rid of it or "put it at the table and it becomes useful," my friend said. Absolutely.

 

p.m.

It is amazing the trouble I can drum up out of Fear. After writing this morning and enroute to working on the project, I found myself getting all worked up. Fantasizing scenarios of confrontation, building my case, I was in a tumult in my own mind. And the Fear Chair was in the back seat of the car. But a wonderful thing happened about half-way to my destination. I suddenly realized I was making this all up. I had no proof of my friend's feelings. I had only my "sensing," based on flimsy evidence. So, really, I thought, if I am going to make up a situation, why would I choose to make up such a horrible, negative one? So I began shifting my focus to Love. I remembered my love for my friend. I remembered my love for her family and her love for me and for my family. I talked to the Universe. I thanked God, Universe, Source for the Love and for the peace and resolution. Then I drove on. I pulled up. Parked. And the only Fear that I found to carry was the Chair.

A lovely day and good solid work was enjoyed by all.

 

Oddly, this morning I had again pondered stopping the FCP. I'd gotten a couple cheeky comments from men in town when I'd gone running errands and it made me question myself just a bit. It's funny but I am noticing that other people's comments really are mirrors they hold up for me to see myself. There is a desire (subconscious or conscious it matters not) for me to see myself as they see me. But the mirrors distorted by their own image of the world and themselves. So, people's responses to me carrying the chair vary greatly but because the chair is external I somehow have better objectivity to view just what those people are doing. It's like, in a way, I see them holding up the mirror for the chair, so I am a bystander. My issue is embodied in the chair, so I see their issues with me are focused on the chair as well. Sure, I sometimes become drawn in to other people's reflections of me and confused because that's an old pattern of behavior I am working to change. But in a very unique way now I am seeing people's opinions really are about them. Not me. Not the Chair.

 

I am grateful I've got the Chair. Today I learned much about Fear and much about Love.