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Today I had my second conversation with someone who found herself wondering what her chair would represent. I think it might be a good idea for people to give this thought. What IS the base emotion that seems to block you most? Yesterday my friend pondered "anger." Today one of my sisters thought perhaps guilt. "of course it might have to be a pull-out couch instead of a chair!" We both laughed. If i think about carrying a chair with "guilt" on it, yes, for me too, it would have to be a mighty big chair, or perhaps a sofa. Guilt is a big one.

 

But, thinking further, I'd say my guilt is there because of fear. Fear as a child of an angry god or angry, dissappointed parents. Fear as an adult that I won't be accepted for who I am, AS I am. Or worse, that I am not worthy of being loved and accepted. Self doubt. I've noticed actually that guilt is waning through this adventure, as is self doubt. I don't expect to be free of them any time soon but I find myself becoming stronger in the face of messages (external or internal) that would cause doubt.

 

What I struggle with to a greater extent today though is visibility. This is enormous for me. I haven't any problem speaking in public or interviewing, setting up a website, etc... but afterward, I sit iin my skin and feel VERY uncomfortable at the exposure. Brene' Browne I believe calls it her "visibility hangover." Good phrase. Growing up I spent enormous energy striving to be invisable in a large family. Yet my strong personality couldn't help but burst onto scenes. So I have a lot of experience with visibility hangovers. This chair (let alone this blog) is very challenging. The chair is VERY bright and colorful in large part because for me fear is not dark but big and loud and out-of-control color. Fear has a big personality.

 

Here's one visibility challenge, sometimes I wonder if people think I am trying to advertise and sell the chair. I try to just let that go. Another visibility challenge, do people see me as crazy for carrying a chair around? Gotta let that go too. Hmmm.... a lot of fear around what others might think....